Daily Scribble

Duct tape, Super Glue,

Staple gun, good as new. 

Feel better? Mighty fine.

Thank you, Dr. Frankenstein.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Carnivals and State Fairs

Don’t have freak shows anymore.

Luckily, there’s C-Span

And the House or Senate Floor.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Invention’s mother, Necessity, 

Gazed out upon the masses,

Perplexed over things like Billy Bob Teeth,

Pet Rocks, and singing basses.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

For you, it seems so natural,

And requires so little work.

So, no, I’m not suggesting 

You were ACTING like a jerk.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Getting there is half the fun,

I’ve heard some people tell. 

The ratio is even higher,

When you’re bound for Hell.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

One has a lot of history 

At my age, but as I see it,

I can say without a doubt,

I’d rather have than be it.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Monkey see, 

Monkey do.

Sometime monkey

Me and you.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Said the wife to the husband,

“You don’t communicate.”

Said the husband to the wife,

...

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

My first car was a piece of junk.

Yeah, it got me from A to B. 

Problem is, the ride to school

Was more like A to Z. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

There’s dumb ones and there’s smart ones,

I’ve been both, as I recall.

I’ve found that it is better

Not to be an ass at all.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

You’ll need a very fast automobile

And a short, deserted street.

To make it home with your latest gadget,

Before it’s obsolete.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Some folks perceive Jackass

As sophomoric entertainment.

Others perceive Jackass

As the ultimate attainment. 

© 2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Please protect me from myself,

Oh Governmental Father.

Guide my ways and plan my days

So I won’t have to bother.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I thought Minoxodil would make 

My hair thick as molasses.

The only thing that’s getting thicker

Are my reading glasses.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The farmer’s jeans 

Are tight in the hips.

He reaps what he sows,

Then sews what he rips.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Life is never quite the same

Once you’re in the presence

Of know-it-all and self-absorbed

Hormonal adolescents.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Lord, I’m thankful for your grace.

It’s such a comfort knowing

That even in the deepest drought, 

My cup is overflowing. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

“Hey, you don’t look half bad.”

The woman told me smugly,

Then she said, “More like three quarters.”

That’s when things got ugly.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

When faced with tough decisions,

I know just where to go.

My wise and trusted council,

Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Running like a chicken with its head cut off

Is a lot of wasted movement. 

Sitting like a head with its chicken cut off

Is not a big improvement. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I didn’t mean to criticize 

Your cooking, dear, I swear it.

It tastes much better than it looks. 

So, how long must I wear it?

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Though I’m honored that you call me “Sir”

If you want to know the truth,

You can keep your dang respect.

Just give me back my youth.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Building highways– Politicians 

Do this job so well.

Their good intentions always seem

To pave a road to Hell.

©2010 Cleggo

Billy Brown

©@1995 Dave Clegg

Had a friend back when I was young,

And man, we sure had us some fun.

The old neighborhood 

Wouldn’t have been half as good

If Billy had not been around.

So, this one’s for you, Billy Brown.

My buddy, my pal, Billy Brown.

We raced our bikes home after school.

We didn’t think the Beatles were cool. 

To us, Johnny Quest 

Was the absolute best.

Turn the TV up, the radio down.

Can you spend the night, Billy Brown?

My buddy, my pal, Billy Brown. 

Do you still have that big box of cars?

Did you learn how to pronounce your R’s?

Or do you still say, “Woy Wogers” today?

And do you still act like a clown?

Where are you now, Billy Brown?

My Buddy, my pal, Billy Brown. 

As for women, well, what’s all the fuss?

Girls were like lepers to us.

At least thats what we

Would say publicly, 

In secret, they made my heart pound.

And you liked ‘em too, Billy Brown.

My buddy, my pal, Billy Brown.

It was not long before Halloween,

The moving van entered the scene.

The boxes were tucked 

On the back of the truck,

And hauled to the north end of town.

Did I say goodbye, Billy Brown?

My buddy, my pal, Billy Brown. 

Do you still have that big box of cars?

Did you learn how to pronounce your R’s?

Or do you still say, “Woy Wogers” today?

And do you still act like a clown?

Where are you now, Billy Brown?

Daily Scribble

If you want to give your teenage son

A gift that’s really hot, 

I think it’s safe to say “a clue” 

Is something he ain’t got.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Do NOT lick my face!

I’ve told you time and time again.

I’ve seen that tongue in action, dog,

And I know where it’s been. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

This one is for all of you 

Who heard the call of duty.

Thanks for standing guard, my friends. 

You people kick some booty.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

When calling heads or tails,

There’s one thing I have found.

It’s always best to wait until

The coin is on the ground.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

To get a star on the Walk of Fame

With an imprint of your hands,

It doesn’t take a lot of talent,

Just a lot of fans.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Your life is like your shoes

Once you’ve been around a bit,

Sometimes you get the spit-and-polish,

Sometimes, just the spit.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

They say a good man’s hard to find.

Oh yeah? Then tell me why

It’s the BAD man’s wife who has to

Hire the private eye.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

He offered his condolences, 

And wiped away a tear

Proud that he could be so kind,

And yet, so insincere. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Infomercial marketing:

Where second-rate devices 

Are sold by hyperactive jerks

At so-called “bargain” prices. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Election Day in America.

When voting booths are swarmed

In a most impressive, grand display 

Of the “mis-” and “un-” informed.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

His character has changed a lot

Now that he’s a teen.

He once resembled Opie Taylor, 

Now, Jethro Bodine.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The world is ripe

With reckless dopes

Who lead their flocks

Down slippery slopes.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I’m eighteen now. Accept the fact

I’m grown up, just like you.

And if you don’t, I’ll hold my breath

Until my face turns blue.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I gazed into the eyes of my sweetheart

And sang this Hank Williams quotation;

“Do you love me half as much as I love you?”

She replied, “That’s a close approximation.”

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

According to numerous studies,

The findings are perfectly clear.

All doubt is removed, the research has proved...

...Whatever your heart holds dear.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I missed some great football for time with my wife,

And never once whined or fussed. 

Ninety percent– pure, undying love.

(Ten percent– undying lust.)

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Searching for The Promised Land

Is not an easy task. 

The road you take to get there

All depends on who you ask.

©2010 Cleggo

Safety Patrol

©2010 Dave Clegg

Chrome badge on a white belt 

Across my chest, makes the young girls melt. 

Hard hat with a tight chin strap

Third grade punks never give me no crap.

Got no gun but I’m still in charge.

I’ll never be Captain, but I might make Sarge.

Twelve years old, going on thirteen,

A grade-school crosswalk guardin’ machine. 

I’m the Safety Patrol.  

I’m in control. 

When you’re crossin’, son, 

You better walk, don’t run.

I’m the Safety Patrol. 

Just last week Johnny Belvedere

Just couldn’t wait for me to give the “all clear”.

Ran across the road like a dumb dang fool.

Now he’s doin’ hard time– after school. 

I’m the Safety Patrol. 

I’m in control. 

When you’re crossin’, son, 

You better walk, don’t run.

I’m the Safety Patrol. 

If you’re in your car don’t you be no jerk.

Better stop right there, let me do my work.

Don’t go honkin’ that beep beep beep,

I can memorize a tag number in my sleep.

I’m the Safety Patrol. 

I’m in control. 

When you’re crossin’, son, 

You better walk, don’t run.

I’m the Safety Patrol. 

I’m the Safety Patrol. 

Daily Scribble

You wonder why you’re crashing, kid?

Simple. Here’s the deal:

You’ve got the pedal to the floor

With no one at the wheel.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

When I was young and rowdy,

I called adults “antiques”

Now, I call the cops on kids

With pants below their cheeks. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

You challenge me to lose some weight?

OK, I’ll think it over.

Right here on my sofa with

This box of Russell Stover. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Sunday brings 

A new beginning,

Monday brings

A new day sinning.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I used to have a narcissistic

Self-absorbed complexion. 

It’s all cleared up, so now I LOVE

To stare at my reflection.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Tummy tuck, facelift,

Botox, liposuction,

Rhinoplasty, implants...

–Ready for seduction.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I feel like a million bucks,

So imagine my frustration. 

My self-worth keeps declining  

When adjusted for inflation.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Sometimes my dog seems to show

The aptitude to think.

Other times he likes to 

Roll around in things that stink.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I don’t care how true it is

That sin is universal. 

I am good and you are bad.

There is no role reversal.

©2010 Cleggo

The Ballad of Paw Paw's Brain

My favorite uncle is recovering from brain surgery earlier this week to remove a malignant tumor. He asked his daughter Kim to see if I would write a funny poem about his ordeal. I dug up one of my earlier Scribbles and wrote this around it. 

It all began when Paw Paw

Started acting kinda strange.

He tried to buy a Cadillac 

With seven bucks in change. 

There was no doubt about it.

We all knew, “Something’s wrong.” 

He’d shout, “I’m Ethel Merman!”

As he broke into a song. 

To get him to a doctor

And avoid his fits of rage

We had to say the waiting room

Was the concert hall, backstage. 

We winked and said, “Now, Ethel, 

Before your show tonight,

We’re going to check you over.

Make sure everything’s just right.”

We led him to the “Green Room”

Dressed him in his “sequined gown”

Said, “You can take the stage, but first,

You MUST meet Dr. Brown.”

Next stop was the CAT scan room,

We said, “Now lay right there.

This machine will add a little

Glitter to your hair.” 

We thought a brain scan might reveal

A tumor, but instead,

They found potatoes, milk and clams.

Man, what a chowder-head. 

Dr. Brown said, “If we don’t

Remove that pretty soon, 

There’s a chance he might end up 

As crazy as a loon.” 

The surgery was scheduled

The nurses wheeled him in.

The doctor got her hack saw,

And said, “Let the games begin.”

She did the chowder-ectomy

And deemed it a success. 

The nurses let the hound dogs in

To clean up all the mess. 

So, now he’s resting comfortably 

In Post-Op down the hall. 

His head looks like they drew a face

On a purple bowling ball. 

There’s still a bumpy road ahead,

But Paw Paw, you can do it.

‘Cause God and friends and family

Are going to help you through it!

Daily Scribble

To feast on information 

Is the joy of any thinker.

But please don’t talk when your mouth is full

Of hook, line and sinker.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

You always curse the darkness, 

But, it’s clear, you’d see just fine, 

If you would just remove your head

From where the sun don’t shine.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Some folks hear the truth

And have that moment of “Aha!”

Others cover up their ears

And blabber, “La, la, la”.

©2020 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

As we ride the road to ruin,

We play our silly game. 

Who will get the credit,

And who will get the blame. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Whining is like running

On a treadmill at full-blast.

The noise is irritating

And it gets you nowhere, fast.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Call it just an inkling,

Or a psychic premonition, 

Somehow, I just know

There’s no such thing as intuition.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

It’s best to teach a man to fish,

I’ll go along with that.

But if he has no fishing pole,

He won’t get very fat.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Anacondas and aphids protested.

Alligators and antelopes hissed.

But to their dismay, that one extra “a”

Put aardvarks at the top of the list.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I used to have an open mind,

It took awhile to fill it. 

Now it’s closed up good and tight

‘Cause I don’t want to spill it. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

“To thine own self be true”

William Shakespeare once wrote.

“And to all others, lie.” 

That’s my part of the quote.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Assaulted in a high-rise elevator.

Beaten badly, battered black and blue.

That lady went completely apoplectic. 

And all I did was ask her, “When’s it due?”

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Convoluted logic,

Demagogue and shameless spin.

Election time is coming soon.

So, let the games begin.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

With a much lower class of opponents,

He went soaring from last place to first.

With pride in his chest, the worst of the best

Was becoming the best of the worst. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

There is nothing new under the sun.

King Solomon was right.

I guess that’s why I’m so much more

Original at night. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

“My opponent has been bought and sold!”

The politician vented. 

“Well, I can’t be bought, but here’s a thought–

Perhaps I could be rented.”

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Miscommunication with

My wife caused our dispute. 

She didn’t mean “more kids” 

When she said, “I want passion fruit.”

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

After countless interviews

For engineering jobs,

Note to self: Don’t use the words

Doohickies and thingamabobs.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

You spew your hate, then ask the question,

“What would Jesus do?”

Well, chances are, He’d shake the stinkin’

Devil out of you. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

He likes things neat and tidy.

It’s clutter that he fears

I guess that’s why he never filled

The space between his ears.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

We raised that sweet milk cow from birth,

And milked her for all she was worth.

And when she ran dry, we had a good cry,

And the best steaks and burgers on earth. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Sometimes you’re just plain stupid.

Sometimes you’re mean as can be.

Sometimes you make me hate the fact

You’re always me.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

A crocodile ate Lassie,  

Some cantaloupes and honeydews. 

Now he just can’t seem to shake

Those melon collie blues.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

What I once was so sure was one thing

Is beginning to look like another.

And the older I get, the safer the bet.

Father Time is really a mother.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

You say there isn’t any use in trying.

You say that you’re out-manned. 

Well, I say you don’t stand a chance

If you don’t chance a stand.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I could have sworn the road sign

Said, “Utopia Ahead”.

So how did I end up here

In Oblivion instead?

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

It makes us frail, yet heals all wounds,

Is killed, but never dies.

It stands still as it marches on,

But most of all... time flies.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Only one thing 

Makes the Hangman happy.

“Bring me a neck!

And make it snappy!”

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I have a message for a certain

Interstate commuter. 

Take that obscene gesture, pal

And shove it up your tooter.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

He flaunted his new hairdo

With vain and pompous pride.

‘Til a strong Nor’easter sent it on

A flying carpet ride.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

A mighty urge enslaves me now,

Forbidding my refusal.

The drink I thought was orange juice

Was Orange Metamucil.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Patience is a virtue

And it’s one I don’t possess, 

But I wouldn’t sell my soul

To find a shortcut to success. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I could tell by the smell of doom

I was face-to-face with Death.

But its grip I broke as I awoke.

Was only morning breath.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

If you really love somebody

And you want to let them know,

I suggest it’s done before 

The tag is on their toe.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Son, I have just now shared with you

The wisdom of my years,

And you just sit and stare

Like I’ve got lizards in my ears. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The Bible has some great advice

And Christians love to give it. 

Maybe, we’d get more respect

If we’d shut up and live it. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

When my guy stumbles

I take issue with your lack of heart.

When your guy stumbles

I take joy in ripping him apart.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

He speaks with so much confidence.

So poised and self-assured,

That, when he’s done, you’ll never know

You’ve just been bull-manured.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Why do folks eat pig brains?

Do they really like the taste?

Or is it just because a mind

Is a terrible thing to waste?

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The urge to hold a grudge is strong. 

The urge to pee is stronger.

It’s a pity we can’t switch

The one that we hold longer. 

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The world is filled with catastrophic 

Suffering and disaster,

And I can’t help but wonder why

This traffic won’t move faster.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Always point the blame one-handed.

That way, when you do, 

The other hand can swat the fingers

Pointing back at you.

-2010 Cleggo