Paradox

Such a strange paradox

Whenever a man

Is his own worst foe

And his own biggest fan.

©2011 Cleggo

Flush

I do support your right to speak,

And would never make you hush.

All I ask is, when your done,

Please don’t forget to flush.

©2011 Cleggo

Silence

Silence, to the harried soul,

Can be a welcome guest. 

But over time it just becomes

A loud, obnoxious pest. 

©2011 Cleggo

A Case of Mistrust on a Saturday Night

Night is upon me and I’m growing tired

Of what life has shown me. I’m so uninspired. 

This day delivered its share of distress.

Maybe tomorrow will bring peace and rest.

You hope and you pray for one special thing

With anticipation of joy it will bring.

It taunts and it teases, just out of your reach

And you find you don’t practice the things that you preach. 

I look to the heavens with my heart in one hand

And the other one shaking a fist.

Why would you mess up this thing that I planned

And leave me forsaken like this?

Truth comes a calling as I lay in my bed.

The gift I thought golden was silver instead. 

All other blessings, they slip from my sight. 

It’s a case of mistrust on a Saturday night. 

I look to the heavens, I’m shaking my fist.

This isn’t at all what I planned. 

Why would you leave me forsaken like this?

Well, finally, I understand. 

Night is upon me and I’m growing tired

Of what life has shown me. I’m so uninspired. 

This day delivered its share of distress.

Maybe tomorrow will bring peace and rest.

©2011 Cleggo

Easy on the Eyes

Yessiree, without a doubt

She’s easy on the eyes.

Except the ones she gouges out

So just be careful, guys.

©2011 Cleggo

A Lack of Rein

While being dragged by a runaway horse,

I found it is good to know

When to hold on to the reins 

And when to let them go.

©2011 Cleggo

Friends

Of all the friends throughout our lifetime,

None can be compared

To those among that fellowship   

With whom our youth is shared.

©2011 Cleggo

The Bends

Some folks claim to have the power

To bend spoons just by thinking.

Well, I have bent more than my share

Of golf clubs just by stinking. 

©2011 Cleggo

As Noses Go

Having escaped from the rest of the face,

The nose went skipping along.

Taking delight in every place

Where it knew it didn’t belong.

©2011 Cleggo

15 Items Or Less

The sign says “15 Items”

And he has ninety-eight.

As anger burns,

My ice cream turns

Back to its liquid state.

Express Love

It’s difficult to conjure up

That “Love thy neighbor” feeling,

When they beat you to the express lane

With their cart stacked to the ceiling. 

©2011 Cleggo

Phases

My phaser had two settings,

But I installed one more. 

When “STUN” and “KILL”

Won’t fill the bill,

I set it on “IGNORE”.

©2011 Cleggo

Mirage

It was merely another mirage,

And not a thirst-quenching oasis.

But eagerly, still,

They drank their fill,

And the sand ran down their faces.

©2011 Cleggo

What a Heel

Arnold and Achilles,

Two men, so strong and mighty.

One’s weakness found within his heel,

One, in his tighty-whitey. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

If circumstance and people

Are the winds that fill your sails,

You might consider switching 

To a source that never fails.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I sold all my earthly possessions,

Withdrew all my cash from the bank,

Knocked off a pawn shop and liquor store

So I could put gas in my tank. 

©2011 Cleggo

Bin Muted

Osama bin Laden

bin hidin’, bin plottin’,

bin spotted, bin shooted,

Osama bin muted. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I shout in raptured ecstasy,

“Rejoice, my soul, rejoice!”

Oh, sweet and precious coffee pot,

Prepare my drug of choice.

©2011 Cleggo

T'n'T

Toddlers and Tiaras–

A spectacular display

Of how to raise a daughter

In the most godawful way.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I threw caution to the wind.

It blew back in my face again.

Funny thing, how long it takes

For me to learn from my mistakes. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I bask in your knowledge and wisdom.

I’m amazed at your insight, so keen. 

But embrace it today

It will soon fade away

You will not always be seventeen. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

May the road rise up to meet you

With tenderness and grace

And never leave you lying there

With asphalt in your face.

©2011 Cleggo

Let's Stalk

He traded the cow for magic beans

As to market, they were walking.

Now, Jack’s doing ten in the federal pen.

For felony theft and stalking.

©2011 Cleggo

Filter

Sir, I found the problem.

Allow me to explain:

You need a better filter

To your pie-hole from your brain.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Their effort to settle

The national debt

Is like drying the sea

With a moist towelette.

©2011 Cleggo

Lots of Rage

Two drivers in a parking lot

Battle for a single spot.

One screams, cursing in defeat

And must now walk ten extra feet.

©2011 Cleggo

April Fool

Why we pick on April 1st

Is not exactly clear. 

It’s not like we don’t suffer fools

Each day throughout the year.

©2011 Cleggo

Skin-Tight Jeans

She squeezed into those skin-tight jeans.

The ones she wore back in her teens.

Then nature calls, and just her luck,

The rackin’ frackin’ zipper stuck.

©2011

Daily Scribble

On second thought, the prince knew

Kissing Snow White was unwise. 

After all, she HAD been

Shackin’ up with seven guys. 

©2011 Cleggo

Bovine Troubadour

T-Bone, the bovine troubadour 

Sang songs of the range in Montana. 

In the end, his “home on the range”

Was a self-cleaning, stainless Amana.

Speedo

Uh, dude, about that Speedo...

Not that it doesn’t look good,

It’s just... some guys can pull it off,

And the rest of us... probably should.

©2011 Cleggo

Rapunzel

The young prince scaled the golden braid

Draped from Rapunzel’s head,

And shock of shocks, those lovely locks

Grew from her face instead. 

©2011 Cleggo

T-Rex

I believe paleontologists 

Made mistakes at the t-rex digs.

What they assumed were fossilized arms 

Were obviously petrified twigs.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Trapped in an ever-deepening pit

The stress is taking its toll.

He mutters and cusses,

He grumbles and fusses,

And keeps right on digging the hole.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Life can end up in a mess

When we endeavor to impress.

Don’t try keeping up with Joneses

If it requires you take out loanses

©2011 Cleggo

Billy The Kid

Had he picked another line of work,

Say, accountant or librarian,

Billy the Kid might have become

Billy the Octogenarian.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

They stowed away on Irish ships
Drinkin’ pints and gettin’ lucky
And the leprechaun hillbillies still roam free
From Georgia all the way to Kentucky. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The Golden Rule is wonderful,

Although a tad simplistic. 

It fails to take into account

The sadomasochistic.

©2011 Cleggo

Comb On Over

He combed across his bald head

Every day without exception,

And soon became a master 

In the art of self-deception. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Wanda bleached her hair

And now she’s living in recluse. 

Her platinum blonde dream

Became a nightmare in chartreuse.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Bessie was a milk cow

With a most amazing udder. 

Farmer John made millions on

Her milk and cheese and butter. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Spare yourself

A lot of regret.

Don’t do the dumb things

You haven’t done yet.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Giving is noble,

On this, we agree.

But I’ve gotta know,

What’s in it for me?

©2010

Daily Scribble

You tell me I’m part of the problem.

You say I’m not being a man.

Well, that isn’t true. What more can I do?

I’m whining as loud as I can.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Self-destructive, over-indulgent,

Out-of-control careening,

From this day, moving forward,

Shall be known as “Charlie Sheening”. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

When I command my dog to speak,

She barks and wags her tail. 

When I command my cat to speak,

He just says, “Go to hell.” 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

An optimist at Armageddon, 

With death and destruction unfurled. 

Says with a hum,

“Hey, why so glum?

It's not the end of the world.”

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

If I make it to eighty,

I sure hope that I’m

Still taking the stairs

Two or three at a time.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Politicians talk the talk

And still, they break the bank. 

Now, it’s time they walk the walk,

Somebody, get a plank. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

For my next trick, ladies and gentlemen,

Please direct your attention right here.

With the magical words, “Time for a bath”

I will make this dog disappear. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The national debt is a crisis

Of such an absurd magnitude.

Political hacks,  

Say, “We’ve got your backs.”

In other words, folks, we’re screwed.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Passions can sometimes go haywire

For issues that impact us all,

But I can’t understand how it gets out of hand

For a game that is played with a ball. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I prayed to be off on the weekends.

Sometimes you get more than you seek. 

So, thanks to God, I’m quirky and odd,

And off every day of the week.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Some things aren’t so easy

To clearly verbalize. 

Like “She sells seashells”,

And “I apologize”.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I quit my job and told my boss

To kiss my derriere.

This email from Nigeria

Says I’m now a millionaire. 

©2011 Cleggo

My Swell Valentine

My Swell Valentine

For a couple of years in high school, I suffered from an embarrassing condition where a part of my face would swell for no apparent reason. Sometimes it was my cheek. It looked as if I had a huge chaw of tobacco (minus the brown goo around the lips). Other times it would be my entire upper lip. It would grow to enormous proportions. Sort of like a collagen treatment gone terribly wrong. This was not a good situation for a teenager whose self-confidence was shaky at best. 

The timing of these events was the worst part. It seemed to coincide with my social calendar. A day or two before a big date, I would feel a small itchy sensation which would evolve into a numb knot. By the time date night rolled around, there it was in all it’s hideous glory.  

One year, I was asked to emcee the Senior High Valentine banquet at our church. My date was a really cute girl named Tammy. A day or so before the big night, I felt that dreaded sensation. Initially, I considered hiding under my bed for a few days, but my sense of duty compelled me to carry on as planned. I don’t recall which part of my face swelled that night. I do remember being so embarrassed I couldn’t even walk Tammy to her door afterwards and never asked her out again. 

For years after that, my friend Robert would occasionally grab his upper lip and stretch it out when he saw me, as he smiled that great smile of his. It helped me to see the humor in it all. 

Have a swell Valentine’s Day. –Cleggo

Daily Scribble

My heart once burned for love

And I was always in the mood.

Nowadays, it seems to burn

From eating spicy food.

©2011

Daily Scribble

If everyone made Truth their sword

And Righteousness their shield,

The only thing we’d stand to lose,

Would be the battlefield.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I know, as a former perfectionist,

It’s something that’s way overrated. 

It never once made me perfect at all

Just very, very frustrated.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I can say with resolute, steadfast aplomb,

In the days that have passed and the days that will come,

Without hesitation, no trace of a doubt,

I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Sometimes it’s true that less is more

My hair keeps getting thicker.

But only on the bathroom floor.

My noggin just gets slicker. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

God Bless you on your journey,

And should you find despair,

May it be what’s in the trunk

When your tire is out of air.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Funny how otherwise logical folks

Decide how long winter will last,

By watching a rodent crawl out of his hole

To see if a shadow is cast.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

We should label every single brain

Of every mother’s son, 

With this notice: “BEST IF USED 

BEFORE AGE TWENTY-ONE.”

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

If you want to make it in this world,

Then, learn to use your noodle. 

And get your rear-end out of bed

Before the cock-a-doodle. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

I once called Congress “organized crime”

But then I realized,

I was wrong to think that way.

They’re not that organized. 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Father Time plays favorites.

There’s no denying that.

Some, he beats with a pillow,

And some with a baseball bat.

©2011

Scribbles

He really loves despising hate

And makes a big deal of it.

And those with whom he disagrees?

He hates ‘em. Don’t you love it? 

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Which qualities does she possess?

Which ones does she lack?

He wonders as he walks the aisle

With a shotgun in his back.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Your promise is my steeple

When I’m lost and life is scary.

Your world is my cathedral,

Your love, my sanctuary. 

©2011Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Kids believe that cooties

Are a plague to be rejected.

By their teens, they use all means

To get themselves infected.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The dryer is a portal

To a distant, unknown place.

Where socks become abducted 

By some strange, one-legged race.

©2011

Daily Scribble

He’s never been asked a question

That he hasn’t answered yet,  

The one he answers mostly is,

“How dumb can one man get?”

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

He deftly trains his one good eye

On everyone’s guffaws.

The one that’s blind, he’ll use to find

His own mistakes and flaws.

©2011 Cleggo

Decked Out

I once built a deck

To enjoy the outdoors. 

I added a roof 

For the times when it pours. 

I put up some screening

To keep out the bugs.

I added a sofa,

A chair, and some rugs.

Extremes in temperature

Really got old,

So, windows and walls

For the heat and the cold. 

I sat in that room

And thought, “Wait a sec!”

“I really miss sitting

Outside on the deck.”

So I built a new one, 

As nice as before,

Then added a roof 

To keep rain off the floor.

Then, up went more walls

And soon, “What the heck?”

Another nice room,

But I still want a deck!”

So, I built yet another,

Then closed it all in.

And repeated this process

Again and again. 

So, now when I travel

I’m able to roam,

From here to Alaska

Without leaving home.

©2011 Cleggo

Scribbles

No, I’m not fishing for complements.

Such conduct I truly disdain. 

But if, as I float, one should jump in the boat,

Well, who am I to complain?

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

There are just two situations

Where I use the “Eastwood Squint”.

Communicating anger,

Or when reading tiny print. 

©2011 Cleggo

Scribbles

It’s often from a certain need

That new words are created.

As for me, I need to be

Undiscombobulated.

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

With bitter winds assaulting,

In the icy rain, I stoop. 

One question haunts my tortured soul;

“When WILL this dumb dog poop?”

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

A fire warms

The icy glaze,

In the land of the freeze

And the home of the blaze.

©2011 Cleggo

Scribbles

As I held her tightly in my arms,

With the light of the full moon gleaming.

I kissed her fair face. What a lovely embrace!

(Except for the kicking and screaming.)

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

May you know from the moment 

You rise from the sack,

When you hit the ground running

It won’t hit you back.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

The fortune teller took my hand,

Unfurled my palm and read it.

“This line says you will waste your money.

Now, will this be cash or credit?”

©2011 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

Not everyone will like you,

Nor will you like everyone. 

But live so that you’ll like yourself

When all is said and done.

©2010 Cleggo

Daily Scribble

“I won’t blab your secret.” 

That’s exactly what I swore. 

But hey, you blabbed to me,

It’s not a secret anymore.

©2011 Cleggo

A Toast to the New Year

©2011 Cleggo

May the New Year bring much laughter,

And joy around your table.

May weevils not infest your flour,

Nor lint infest your navel.

May heretofore unruly kids

Behave beyond their ages. 

And may you never feel the need  

To lock them up in cages.

May the sound of screaming toddlers

Be forever hushed and gone.

And may the neighbor’s basset hounds

Not desecrate your lawn. 

May all your bags be waiting

On the airport carousel. 

And may you never learn what’s in

The meat at Taco Bell. 

May all your socks be reunited

With their matching twin. 

And may you add another year

And not another chin. 

May you always pick the fastest line 

When at the supermarket 

And never leave your car

And not remember where you park it.

May your college sports team

Be the best in all the nation 

And get away scot-free

With every ethics violation.  

May you enjoy bizarre behavior

When there’s no one else around 

May you breath air through your nose 

Without that awful whistling sound. 

May you not discover 

That your father is Darth Vader. 

May intestinal disturbance 

Never foul your elevator.

May you only choose the shopping carts

Without the wobbly wheels. 

And may your wife not catch you

In her lipstick and high heels.

May even your most awful jokes

Leave everyone in stitches.

And may you feast and never find

You’re too big for your britches.

May all your wealthy friends remain

Forever in your debt. 

And may this year be better 

Than the best of all years yet.

Cheers.