May the new year bring you pleasures 

Far beyond your wildest wishes 

May “bottoms up” be how you toast

Not how you find your fishes. 

May your Cheerios be cheery  

May your Frosted Flakes be GRRRRREAT!

May they not assume you’re ready  

For the senior discount rate.

May your invitees RSVP

May you not get one refusal

May your midnight snack be chips and dip

Not Tums and Metamucil. 

May the lightbulb in your thought balloon

Be shining watts and watts

May the fountain bring eternal youth

And not eternal trots.

May your poker face be steely 

May you never tip your your hand.

May you bet and never lose your shirt

Unless you’re nice and tanned. 

May your horses not be Trojan

May your nickels not be wooden

May that brown stuff on the baby’s hands

Be fudge or chocolate pudd’n. 

May your status be “It’s all good”

And not “It’s complicated”

May you not make dark confessions

At the dentist while sedated.

May rabbits’ feet be for their legs

And not your superstition

May “hot and sour” be your soup

And not your disposition. 

May you share canine companionship 

And not break out in rashes

May “hot” describe your latest look

And not your latest flashes. 

May your chances all be fat ones

May your pickings not be slim

May you always have more options

On a cruise than “sink” or “swim”

May your crowd demand an encore 

May there be no boos nor hissing

May you not wake up in some motel

With half your kidneys missing. 

May you lead your horse to water

May you make him drink his fill

May your name appear most often

In your wealthy uncle’s will.

May your amplifier volume

Hit eleven, not just ten

May your teenage kids not push you

Straight into the loony bin.

May your words be on the money

May your scores be off the chart

May ticker tape be what they throw

Not how they fix your heart 

May that email from Nigeria

Turn out to be legit

May your kids learn how to pitch a tent

And not a hissy fit. 

May you stop and hear the bluebirds

May you stop and smell the flowers

May you stop and sniff your underarms

Before you skip the showers. 

So grab a glass of something wet

And hoist it in the air

Here’s hoping this is not the year

You’re forced to grow a pair. 

©2014 Cleggo

A toast: To new beginnings.

May each of us endeavor

To lay to rest “It is what it is”

“You go girl” and “Whatever” 

May the fortune wheel hit JACKPOT!

Every time you twirl the spinner,

May your true love's glances make you lose

Your heart and not your dinner.  

May your plains always be fruited,

And your oceans, white with foam,

May your cell phones not be obsolete 

Before you get them home.

May your heart be in the heavens,

May your heels be on the earth,

May the stone inside your kidney

Be dissolved or given birth.

May you always dare to roll the dice

And never come-up craps,

So you have to wear a barrel

Held in place by leather straps. 

May you always know the answer,

May you always steal the show,

May you always have a plunger,

When the toilets overflow. 

May Cupid’s arrow find the one

To be your “Heart of Hearts”,

Then take his arrow back 

When all the constant nagging starts. 

May you stop and take a breather,

May you stop unhealthy vices,

May you stop the acid reflux

After eating zesty spices

May you prove The Reaper wrong 

When he announces, ”Time to go.”

May you always lend an ear

But not the same way as Van Gogh 

May your rise-and-shines be painless,

May your winds be strong and steady,

May you walk more than a block

And not collapse like wet spaghetti. 

May the sages seek your council, 

May your heart be sweet as nectar,

May everyone admire your taste

(Except for Hannibal Lecter.)

May your headlines read, “AMAZING!”

and “The Next Big Up-and-Comer!” 

May your movie be “A Beautiful Mind”

Instead of “Dumb and Dumber”

May your “attaboys” be many,

May your “kiss-my-butts” be few,

May the gum tossed on the sidewalk

Not come underneath your shoe.

May you know just when to stand your ground,

And when to cut and run,

May you never over-buy

Because it’s cheaper by the ton.

May your pilots be well-rested,

May your confidants not blabber,

May you not find out the hard way

When the milk has turned to clabber.

So board your ships, it’s time to sail

For waters yet uncharted.

“To your health” and “Down the hatch”

Let’s get this party started. 

©2014 Cleggo

Weight On Mummy

©2015 Dave Clegg

Ramses, the ravenous mummy

Discovered that junk food is yummy

But the gluttonous twit  

Didn’t know when to quit

Now his wrapping won’t fit ‘round his tummy.

Peck-a-derm

When the elephant woke from his rest,

On his head was a bird in a nest.

“Let me stay, pretty please

and I’ll rid you of fleas.”

And the elephant said, “Be my guest.” 

©2015 Dave Clegg

2015 Toast #1

©2014 Dave Clegg

A toast: To yet another year!

As each new season passes,

May all of us be shining stars 

And not dimwitted asses. 

May all your Christmas bills be paid

At least by mid-October

May all your future tattoos wait

Until you’re good and sober. 

May your words be music to their ears,

May your coffee be well-brewed,

May you “live the dream” but not the one

Where your at a party nude. 

May the next one, and the next one

Be the best you ever had,

May you never mix and match your stripes

With polka dots or plaid. 

May it mean you’re somewhere eating

When they say you’re “out to lunch”,

May you never take the blame for

What was floating in the punch.

May your eyes be free of bloodshot,

May your ears be free of waxes,

May your bathroom stalls be free before

Your bladder valve relaxes. 

May you never lose your sparkle,

May you never lose your glow,

May you never lose your Kleenex

When your nostrils need a blow. 

May your boss not catch you napping,

May your trousers not catch fire,

May a vicious kick not catch you

Where it makes your voice go higher. 

May your purse and wallet overflow 

With lots of legal tender,

May your bathroom scales say “Way to go!”

Instead of “I surrender!”

May you never take a back seat  

May you never give out early

May you never hire the legal team 

Of Larry, Moe, and Curly. 

May you bite off more than you can chew

And still have room for more,

May you learn what all the buttons

On remote controls are for. 

May you tolerate the lactose, 

May your colon not be spastic,

May you never toss your cookies

While you trip the light fantastic

May your earliest convenience

Give you all the time you need,

May your laxative work wonders 

If at first, you don’t succeed. 

May your feet stay on the good path,

May your eyes stay straight ahead,

May your teeth stay in your mouth

And not the jar beside your bed. 

May you always have their number, 

May they always have your back,

May you always sound convincing

When your really don’t know jack. 

May you be a cornucopia 

Of all things super-duper, 

May you walk your dog around the park

And never need a scooper. 

So raise your glasses to the air

And give them all a clink.

Here’s hoping everybody has

A year that doesn’t stink. 

Your Last Resort

©2014 Dave Clegg

When you run up the flagpole and no one salutes

When no one is walking a mile in your boots

When nobody wants you to be in cahoots

When you’re odd-man-out at a three-legged race

When your only close ties are the ones that you lace

When even your dog says, “I just need some space.”

When no one is willing, though perfectly able

When no one will sit in the chair at your table

When your only connection is wi-fi or cable

When no heads will turn as you holler out loud

When your shadow is shaped like your personal cloud

When your easiest feat is dispersing a crowd

When nobody laughs at your stand-up routine

When nobody sees you and turns envy-green

When the folks in your line leave a space in-between. 

When you pedal alone on a bike built for two

When both of the straws in the shake are for you

When your welcome mat’s old but it still looks brand new

When the seesaw is leaving you flat on the ground

When you shout for an echo and don’t hear a sound

When even a car salesman won’t stick around

When your loveseat is merely a very wide chair

When you do your best artwork and can’t draw a stare

When you want to play Hearts but it’s all Solitaire

When you look in your mirror 

and nobody’s there

I’ll be

your last resort. 

The Dream Control Device

©2014 Dave Clegg

I came across an old brass lamp

To which I gave a stroke,

And from which popped a genie 

In a swirling cloud of smoke.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes

Then focused them on me,

And said, “For my deliverance, 

I do grant these wishes, three.”

So that is how I came upon

This Dream Control Device

For I was certain such a thing

Would fetch a handsome price.

Imagine, no more nightmares,

No more strange nocturnal trips. 

Just wear this Dream Control Device

And you can write the scripts!  

My store is always well-stocked

Though I sell them by the slew

The inventory won’t deplete

(Hey, thanks wish number two!)

It all went very well at first

My bank account exploded.

Alas, it wasn’t long before

Disturbing trends were noted.

It seems the population

In an ever-growing number

Are trading in their real lives

For a fantasy in slumber.

Theaters stand empty

And the garbage, uncollected.

I couldn’t find a doctor 

When my hangnail got infected. 

Now, only for the briefest times

Do people move about.

Mostly when the Sominex

And tryptophan run out. 

Life, the way we knew it 

Is now grinding to a halt.

Abandoned cars and buildings,

And to think, it’s all my fault!

With firefighters fast asleep

As raging fires are burning

It gives me pause to contemplate

The lesson I’m now learning. 

If we could engineer our dreams

To play out as we choose,

The world would quickly fall apart

And crumble as we snooze. 

"I wish I'd never wished this!"

I declare in one loud scream.

My third wish spent, I wake to find

Was all just one bad dream.