2015 Toast #1

©2014 Dave Clegg

A toast: To yet another year!

As each new season passes,

May all of us be shining stars 

And not dimwitted asses. 

May all your Christmas bills be paid

At least by mid-October

May all your future tattoos wait

Until you’re good and sober. 

May your words be music to their ears,

May your coffee be well-brewed,

May you “live the dream” but not the one

Where your at a party nude. 

May the next one, and the next one

Be the best you ever had,

May you never mix and match your stripes

With polka dots or plaid. 

May it mean you’re somewhere eating

When they say you’re “out to lunch”,

May you never take the blame for

What was floating in the punch.

May your eyes be free of bloodshot,

May your ears be free of waxes,

May your bathroom stalls be free before

Your bladder valve relaxes. 

May you never lose your sparkle,

May you never lose your glow,

May you never lose your Kleenex

When your nostrils need a blow. 

May your boss not catch you napping,

May your trousers not catch fire,

May a vicious kick not catch you

Where it makes your voice go higher. 

May your purse and wallet overflow 

With lots of legal tender,

May your bathroom scales say “Way to go!”

Instead of “I surrender!”

May you never take a back seat  

May you never give out early

May you never hire the legal team 

Of Larry, Moe, and Curly. 

May you bite off more than you can chew

And still have room for more,

May you learn what all the buttons

On remote controls are for. 

May you tolerate the lactose, 

May your colon not be spastic,

May you never toss your cookies

While you trip the light fantastic

May your earliest convenience

Give you all the time you need,

May your laxative work wonders 

If at first, you don’t succeed. 

May your feet stay on the good path,

May your eyes stay straight ahead,

May your teeth stay in your mouth

And not the jar beside your bed. 

May you always have their number, 

May they always have your back,

May you always sound convincing

When your really don’t know jack. 

May you be a cornucopia 

Of all things super-duper, 

May you walk your dog around the park

And never need a scooper. 

So raise your glasses to the air

And give them all a clink.

Here’s hoping everybody has

A year that doesn’t stink. 

Your Last Resort

©2014 Dave Clegg

When you run up the flagpole and no one salutes

When no one is walking a mile in your boots

When nobody wants you to be in cahoots

When you’re odd-man-out at a three-legged race

When your only close ties are the ones that you lace

When even your dog says, “I just need some space.”

When no one is willing, though perfectly able

When no one will sit in the chair at your table

When your only connection is wi-fi or cable

When no heads will turn as you holler out loud

When your shadow is shaped like your personal cloud

When your easiest feat is dispersing a crowd

When nobody laughs at your stand-up routine

When nobody sees you and turns envy-green

When the folks in your line leave a space in-between. 

When you pedal alone on a bike built for two

When both of the straws in the shake are for you

When your welcome mat’s old but it still looks brand new

When the seesaw is leaving you flat on the ground

When you shout for an echo and don’t hear a sound

When even a car salesman won’t stick around

When your loveseat is merely a very wide chair

When you do your best artwork and can’t draw a stare

When you want to play Hearts but it’s all Solitaire

When you look in your mirror 

and nobody’s there

I’ll be

your last resort. 

The Dream Control Device

©2014 Dave Clegg

I came across an old brass lamp

To which I gave a stroke,

And from which popped a genie 

In a swirling cloud of smoke.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes

Then focused them on me,

And said, “For my deliverance, 

I do grant these wishes, three.”

So that is how I came upon

This Dream Control Device

For I was certain such a thing

Would fetch a handsome price.

Imagine, no more nightmares,

No more strange nocturnal trips. 

Just wear this Dream Control Device

And you can write the scripts!  

My store is always well-stocked

Though I sell them by the slew

The inventory won’t deplete

(Hey, thanks wish number two!)

It all went very well at first

My bank account exploded.

Alas, it wasn’t long before

Disturbing trends were noted.

It seems the population

In an ever-growing number

Are trading in their real lives

For a fantasy in slumber.

Theaters stand empty

And the garbage, uncollected.

I couldn’t find a doctor 

When my hangnail got infected. 

Now, only for the briefest times

Do people move about.

Mostly when the Sominex

And tryptophan run out. 

Life, the way we knew it 

Is now grinding to a halt.

Abandoned cars and buildings,

And to think, it’s all my fault!

With firefighters fast asleep

As raging fires are burning

It gives me pause to contemplate

The lesson I’m now learning. 

If we could engineer our dreams

To play out as we choose,

The world would quickly fall apart

And crumble as we snooze. 

"I wish I'd never wished this!"

I declare in one loud scream.

My third wish spent, I wake to find

Was all just one bad dream. 

Daily Scribble

It's strange how intelligent people

Predict how long winter will last,

By watching a rodent crawl out of his hole

To see if a shadow is cast.

©2011 Cleggo