Spend and Pay

©2008 Dave Clegg 

Come on down to the Big Tent Sale!

Got bad credit? Oh well.

The bank won’t ask and we won’t tell.

(We’re all on commission.)

Say your loan is upside down?

No problem, don’t you frown.

We got the longest terms in town.

And the friendliest disposition.

Sick of that worn-out easy chair?

Shop online while you sit right there.

Rack up debt in your underwear. 

There’s nothin’ to it. 

Now, your scared ‘cause maybe you

Bit off more than you can chew.

(But you sure would like that sofa, too.)

Aw, go ahead and do it!

Spend and pay, spend and pay,

Ain’t that the American way?

Spend and pay a leg and an arm,

Pay until you’ve bought the farm. 

Another restaurant every night.

Use the card if cash is tight.

You have a God-given right 

To satisfy your cravings.

Need a way to shake those blues?

How about a Caribbean cruise?

Come on! What you got to lose? 

(Other than your life savings!)

Spend and pay, spend and pay,

Ain’t that the American way?

Spend and pay a leg and an arm,

Pay until you’ve bought the farm.

Congressman keeps telling me.

Those votes don’t come free.

Gotta bring home the “do re mi. “

To get re-elected.”

I asked him where my paycheck went.

“Sorry, son, it’s all been spent. 

No, we’re not thieves, we’re the Government.”

(Something smells infected!)

Spend and pay, spend and pay,

Ain’t that the American way?

Spend and pay a leg and an arm,

Pay until you’ve bought the farm.

Spend and pay, spend and pay,

Ain’t that the American way?

Spend and pay, pay and spend.

Pay until the bitter end.

Zombies

©2010 Dave Clegg

All alone one evening

In my easy chair

I hear suspicious noises

So I shout, “Who’s there?”

I put down my paper,

Turn off my TV,

Only to discover 

There’s a zombie after me.

I whack him with a nicknack 

From the nicknack shelf,

I make a hasty exit

Trying to save myself.

But there’s zombies in the kitchen,

There’s zombies down the hall,

There’s zombies on the front porch

Tearin’ down the wall.

I grab my Louisville Slugger,

Three feet of maple wood.

I do my best to beat ‘em back

But it does no good.

They just keep on comin’

No matter what I do,

And deep inside, I realize

I’ve created quite a few... 

Zombies!
Stumbling through my head.
Buried,
But they won't stay dead.

I slip out through the back door,

I jump into my car.

They’re hiding in the back seat

So I don’t get very far.

I grab my daughter’s Huffy,

Both the tires are flat.

The keys are in the pickup,

But they’re all over that.

I see a motor scooter

In my neighbors drive

The gas tank is empty!

Will I make it out alive?

I commandeer a skateboard,

I’m flying down the hill,

They’re poppin’ out all over

Like living corpses will.

I make it to the QuikTrip,

I run into the store,

There’s a zombie buying coffee 

So I head back out the door.

They’re crawling out of sewers,

They’re dropping from the trees

It seems no matter where I go

There’s no escaping these...

Zombies!
Stumbling through my head.
Buried,
But they won't stay dead.

I Love Cats

©2007 Dave Clegg

Among us men, there is a rule

That dogs are king and cats ain’t cool.

Sorry, boys, I disagree.

Cats are A-OK with me.

I love cats.

I love cats.

Barbecued or southern fried,

Peas and taters on the side.

The fur makes really nice hats.

I love cats.

When my saliva starts to flow

For Siamese or calico,

I know it’s time for a good

Safari through my neighborhood.

I love cats.

I love cats.

Chop some onions, carrots too,

Break out the crock pot. Let’s have stew!

The fur makes really nice hats.

I love cats.

For my back yard barbecue,

Not just any meat will do.

T-bone steak just ain’t the same

As a tabby cooked over open flame.

I love cats.

I love cats.

Marinated, fricasseed,

Roasted or rotisseried.

The fur makes really nice hats.

I love cats.

Well, you think it’s cruel, you say I’m mean

To indulge in feline cuisine.

But, man, I’d love another batch

Of kitty cat chile made from scratch.

I love cats.

I love cats.

I do declare, I think I’ll die

If I don’t get some cat pot pie.

The fur makes really nice hats.

I love cats.

No Cats in the Cradle

©1996 Dave Clegg

Got a big surprise letter 

From my long-lost dad. 

Guess he realized what he had missed 

And he felt real bad.

Said, “Son, we’re not getting younger

And time keeps slipping away.

I’d love to come and see you.

Would it be OK?”

I was on my way back to work

For a little overtime. 

But as I folded up the letter,

Something changed my mind.

That old song, “Cats in the Cradle”

Popped into my head.

I looked into the eyes 

Of my little boy and said,

There won’t be no “Cats in the Cradle”

There won’t be no sad regrets.

There won’t be no “Wish I would’ve been there.”

When that sun’s about to set. 

There won’t be no “Cat’s in the Cradle”. 

There won’t be no mournful tears.

There won’t be no “might have been”

When I’m in my final years. 

For the longest time 

I let the bridges burn.

Said, “Maybe I’ll do things better

When it comes my turn." 

But when I saw the pain

My dad was feeling now,

I traded in the “maybe”

For a solemn vow.

I’m building back the bridges now

With my Old Man.

And he’s trying to make up for lost time

The best he can.

The kids sure love to see him 

Walking through the door.

Now, he’s not quite the stranger

That he was before. 

There won’t be no “Cats in the Cradle”

There won’t be no sad regrets.

There won’t be no “Wish I would’ve bee there.”

When that sun’s about to set. 

There won’t be no “Cat’s in the Cradle”. 

There won’t be no mournful tears.

There won’t be no “Might have been”

When I’m in my final years. 

My Evil Twin

©1996 Dave Clegg

Honey, please just settle down,

Put that copper kettle down!

There’s no need to get into a fight.

I can end this confrontation

With a simple explanation.

See, it wasn’t me 

You saw with her last night

It must have been my evil twin.

He’s back in town, he’s cattin’ around,

And I’m takin’ the blame again.

There’s a man who’s been

Down in the Devil’s den.

I know that he looks a lot like me

But it’s just my evil twin.

Well it wasn’t my intention

If I forgot to mention

That I was not my mama’s only son.

Yes, there is another,

My carbon copy brother

So if you see me out there havin’ fun,

It must have been my evil twin.

He’s back in town, he’s cattin’ around,

And I’m takin’ the blame again.

There’s a man who’s been

Down in the Devil’s den.

I know that he looks a lot like me

But it’s just my evil twin.

Yeah, he’s my evil twin,

He’s back in town again.

And it’s a shame I take the blame

While he commits the sin.

There’s a man who’s been 

Down in the Devil’s den.

I know that he looks a lot like me

But it’s just my evil twin.

Yeah they say that he looks a lot like me

But it’s just my evil twin. 

Material Girl

©1996 Dave Clegg

I was tryin’ to make it big in Nashville

Writin’ them cheatin’ songs,

But I was at a loss for words 

Until she came along.

I took her to the Justice 

Of the Peace and we were wed.

She made a lovely bride,

Even if her dress was red.

Before we took our honeymoon

She said I’d have to wait.

‘Cause someone at the courthouse

Had asked her for a date.

I went and got my GIT-tar,

Started workin’ on a tune. 

I knew I’d found my ticket 

To the Big-Time pretty soon. 

And my friends all wonder why

I’m keepin’ her around.

They don’t understand

It’s inspiration I have found.

It takes the right material 

To write like Hank and Merle, 

And I guess you could say

She’s a material girl. 

Ever since we tied the knot

She hasn’t let me down.

There’s a special box 

For her ring at the Lost and Found. 

Some folks think it’s strange

That I don’t seem to mind.

But I’ve got seven boxes full

Of heartache set to rhyme.

Then one day as fate would have it, 

She left for good. 

But it came as no surprise,

I always knew she would.

She got herself a lawyer,

And they made me the goat.

Now, she gets all the royalties

From all the songs I wrote.

And my friends all wonder why

I was keepin’ her around.

They don’t understand

It’s inspiration I had found.

It takes the right material 

To write like Hank and Merle, 

And I guess you could say

She’s a material girl. 

My Life Is In Da Toilet (But I Will Not Be Deterred)

©2008 Dave Clegg

I was on the fast track on my way up to the top.

In my brain, that gravy train was never going to stop.

But then, that locomotive started runnin’ low on steam.

One day, my boss called me in, said, “Take one for the team.” 

He handed me a cardboard box to carry out my junk.

And gave my corner office to his brother's worthless punk.

My poor ol’ stock portfolio has never shrunk so small. 

Soon, I’ll just be lucky if it’s even there at all.

I traded in my Hummer and my new Mercedes, too.

Now, I drive a Pinto built in 1982. 

My debt-to-income ratio has got me in a fix.

Looks like I’ll be working ‘til I’m a hundred, ninety-six. 

I’ve never been a loser,

But right now, I just can’t win

I was sittin’ pretty

And I will be once again.

You can’t keep me down-and-out.

Brother, take my word.

My life is in da toilet

But I will not be deterred. 

Here’s a picture of my kids, taken way back when.

What I wouldn’t give to have them look that way again.

Now, my boy has gang tattoos from his waist up to his head

And my girl looks like a zombie from “The Night of the Living Dead”.

I pray that someday she’ll get tired of dressing like Mortisha,

And my son will get his discharge from the Skinhead Militia.

I came home one day to find my wife was up and gone.

She’s somewhere in Tahiti with the man who does our lawn.

She said, “A handsome man like you can find another spouse.

And, by the way, pack up your things. I sold the house.”

I’ve never been a loser,

But right now, I just can’t win

I was sittin’ pretty

And I will be once again.

You can’t keep me down-and-out.

Brother, take my word.

My life is in da toilet

But I will not be deterred.