©Dave Clegg
One Sunday at the Creekview Baptist Church in Northwest Georgia,
The congregation of the Reverend Eugene Purvis
Was rocked to its foundation and has never quite recovered
From happened at that most eventful service.
Doxology had just been sung, the kindly Reverend Purvis
Made the short walk to the pulpit from his chair.
While Mrs. Doris Watson, thanks to several cups of coffee,
Made her way to the ladies’ room before the prayer.
Well, the reverend had somehow lost the notes to this week’s sermon,
Which was supposed to be on “Blessed Are the Meek”.
“BAPTISM!”, he proclaimed to cover his transgression.
“Please rise and let us gather at the creek.”
Now, when Doris Watson came back to that empty sanctuary,
Bewilderment and worry filled her mind.
But, fear gave way to terror when at last she realized,
The rapture came and she’d been left behind!
Despite her desperate circumstance, she pulled herself together,
And started to assess the situation.
The wheels inside her head began to calculate a plan
To save her from the Lake of Fire damnation.
First thing Doris did was bolt the doors to keep out demons,
Then, she commandeered the pulpit microphone.
If she was going to have to plead her case before the Lord,
She’s do so in a most resounding tone.
She flipped the switch and turned the volume high as it would go,
For, Mrs. Doris Watson would be heard!
But when she hit the power to the outside intercom,
That’s when the real catastrophe occurred.
“Lord, it’s Doris,” she announced with righteous indignation.
“I trust that your attention I have captured.
And Lord, you must forgive me if I seem a bit perturbed,
But, why on earth am I still here un-raptured?”
“I mean, sure, I know I haven’t been the perfect little angel,
But what about that durn Loretta Seavers?
She’s been sellin’ moonshine 'cross the line in Alabama
And tellin’ folks it’s good for colds and fevers!”
“And Wanda Jones got raptured? Why, that trashy little tart!
She’s runnin’ ‘round with half the congregation!
And the ladies of the prayer chain say that several of the deacons
Go to parties filled with gamblin’ and libation!”
Well, over at the creek, eyes were wide and jaws were dropping.
Everyone seemed paralyzed with shock.
Then when Doris started in on poor ol’ Reverend Purvis,
Panic spread throughout the entire flock.
Without a word, they stormed back to the church to quell the madness.
Well, at least that’s what they all were hopin’.
Instead they found, to their chagrin, as Doris rambled on,
Neither of the church’s doors would open.
They swarmed the grounds and started beating on the stained-glass windows,
Which had an unintended consequence.
When Doris heard those “demons” out there bangin’ and a screamin’
She hunkered down in all-out self defense.
Now, instead of telling God about the virtues she possessed,
She stuck to pointing out the sins of others.
Until she’d covered every single member of the church,
And all their cousins, uncles, aunts and mothers.
Just then, the floor beneath her just collapsed and disappeared.
Poor Doris thought she must be bound for Hell.
She had no way of knowing that the wooden country church
Was built above an old abandoned well.
Deep into the darkness of the cavern Doris fell,
Defeated, forsaken, and rejected.
And as she plunged into the pit, she found, to her surprise,
The Lake of Fire was colder than expected!
A subterranean river took her miles and miles away
And, there she still resides among the damned.
Some people call it Hades, Doris calls it Hell.
The locals call it “Sweet home Alabam.”
Meanwhile, back at Creekview Church, the doors were finally breached,
But, not a trace of Doris did they find.
The logical conclusion was that Doris had been raptured,
And everybody else was left behind.
