My Fair Lady

©2010 Dave Clegg

Strollin’ past the livestock arena 

At the County Fair

Strange bouquet of cotton candy 

And methane in the air.

I nearly dropped my corn dog, 

Spilled half my Coke.

When I saw the woman of my dreams

In a cloud of menthol smoke. 

Tall, tan, and tempting, 

Tattooed girl

She was the ticket-taker and operator

Of the Tilt-A-Whirl.

I rode that ride all evening

‘Til they shut the midway down 

Now I’m runnin’ the Double Ferris Wheel

Travelin’ from town to town.

With my fair lady, 

Rare, uncultured pearl

My fair lady,

Queen of the Tilt-A-Whirl

I proposed in Memphis, 

On the Matterhorn. 

In the Sky Tram, near Birmingham, 

Our first child was born. 

She looks just like her mama,

We named her Loopty Lou

She turned four in Baltimore,

And got her first tattoo. 

Every year we celebrate 

Our anniversa-ry,

With funnel cakes and french fries,

And a very fine chablis. 

Twenty years of roller coasters, 

Cows and carousels,

Bumper cars and neon stars 

And all those funky smells.   

With my fair lady, 

Rare, uncultured pearl

My fair lady,

Queen of the Tilt-A-Whirl

My fair lady, 

Spin ‘em til they hurl. 

My fair lady,

Queen of the Tilt-A-Whirl

Quote of the Day

If ignorance were pebbles

All piled up on the ground,

It would make the Rocky Mountains

Look like a gopher mound.
–Cleggo

Kick the Dog

Kick the Dog

© 2010 Dave Clegg

You’ve had a rotten day

Got more bills than you can pay

And your kid just burned his preschool to the ground

You stepped in chewing gum,

Blew your grill to kingdom come,

And your in-laws say their moving to your town.

Your boss screamed in your ear,

And your paycheck didn’t clear,

And you’re just plain sick and tired of being you,

You just can’t find success, 

And your life is one big mess, 

Well, listen buddy. Here’s what you should do:

Kick the dog

Kick him hard

Kick him clean

Across the yard

Then, punctuate your passion

With some profane dialogue

When you’re mad

Kick the dog.

Well, you’re stuck in a traffic jam

That’s worse than Vietnam

And some bozo dents the fender on your car

And you’d like to file a claim

But he says that you’re to blame,

And his brother is the man who wears the star.

Your neighbor thinks it’s cool

To blow his leaves into your pool

And his teenage son cuts donuts in your lawn

Your credit card expires

When there’s nails in all four tires

And you’d pull your hair out, but it’s already gone,

Kick the dog

Kick him hard

Kick him clean

Across the yard

Then, punctuate your passion

With some profane dialogue

When you’re mad

Kick the dog.

You’re trying to get some sleep

And you hear a “beep, beep, beep”

So you get up and you’re searching everywheres. 

Well, it’s dark so you can’t see

And you dislocate your knee

When you jam your toe and tumble down the stairs

Your rage is rising fast,

But your leg is in a cast

And you feel the need to launch into a rant

Everything inside of you

Knows exactly what to do,

But you’re standing there on crutches, so you can’t...

Kick the dog

Kick him hard

Kick him clean

Across the yard

Then, punctuate your passion

With some profane dialogue

When you’re mad

Kick the dog.

When you step on carpet tacks,

When you rip your brand new slacks

When they raise your income tax, 

Kick the dog. 

Quote of the Day

Some folks think,

Some folks do,

Some do both

They're the precious few.

-Cleggo

Wreck of the Wedded Bliss Fairy Tale

(to the tune of “Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald”)

Lyrics ©1991 Dave Clegg

In Eighty and Two, we both said, “I do.”

And our marriage had started out very well.

So happy and free, yes, you might say that we

Lived the life of the wedded bliss fairy tale.

As days turned to years, it seemed all of our peers

Were beginning to add to their numbers.

Please pardon the next line, but in order to rhyme,

I could only come up with “cucumbers.”

The time came and went, and we were quite content 

To be free like the bird and the butterfly.

Then, much to our shock, the biological clock

Said, “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.”

At first when she said that the rabbit was dead,

There was laughter and much merry makin’. 

But it all turned about as she puked her guts out,

She said, “What in the heck was I thinkin”.

When nine months had passed and the time came at last,

It was my job to help her get through it.

But when I took her hand, she said, “Don’t touch me, man!

This is all your fault. You made me do it!”

I told her, “Be strong”, that it won’t last for long.

That her troubles will soon all be ending.

With a blood curdling yell, and a slap on the tail,

Our troubles were only beginning. 

All the visions I had about being a dad,

Of the football, the fun and the frolic,

Were quickly replaced by a sobering taste

Of the poop and the puke and the colic.

I remember a time of a life so sublime,

Of movies and intimate dining.

We spend our nights now on the living room couch

To the sounds of the screaming and whining.

By the time we hit bed, well, we’re just about dead,

But there still burns a fire deep within here.

I snuggle up tight, but she says, “Not tonight.

And perhaps, never ever again, dear.”

In time we all must find a way to adjust,

And just when everything was going fairly well,

Oh Lord, help us through, here comes verse number two

Of the wreck of the wedded bliss fairy tale. 

Sketchbook 1

Let's Go Retro

©1996 Dave Clegg

Get up in the mornin’,

Hit the floor runnin’.

Face a buncha deadlines

Long before the sun shines.

Srugglin’ to keep pace, 

Losin’ this rat race. 

Takin’ our affections

In opposite directions.

I’d like 

To know

Where did

Love go?

Come on Baby, let’s go.

Let’s go retro.

Get our love back to

When our love was new,

And you and me

Couldn’t stand to be

Two feet apart,

Two souls, one heart.

Come on Baby, let’s go

Retro.

Jump in the carpool,

Run the kids to school.

Slave to the time clock.

Try to stay out of hock.

Both work a full day,

Doin’ it the hard way.

Love a little romance,

But there ain’t no chance.

Let that 

Clock chime,

Let’s turn 

Back time!

Come on Baby, let’s go.

Let’s go retro.

Get our love back to

When our love was new,

And you and me

Couldn’t stand to be

Two feet apart,

Two souls, one heart.

Come on Baby, let’s go

Retro.