Everything but the Keychain Sank

©2007 Dave Clegg

I was headin’ south on Highway 9, sometime around noon.

When I saw the “FOR SALE” sign on the bow of that pontoon.

My wife would shoot me dead, but I’m the man, so what-the-heck.

I banged a U-ey, rang the bell, and wrote the dude a check.

When I backed up to the trailer, I nearly drove into a ditch,

But, in no time at all, I had ‘er sittin’ on the hitch.

Got the wires connected, and I’m thinkin’, “Piece of cake!”

Shifted into drive and made a bee-line for the lake.

I circled ‘round the parkin’ lot, backed ‘er down the ramp,

Parked my truck and hopped aboard, she cranked just like a champ.

Eased off on the throttle, disengaged the choke,

And waved my hands from side to side to clear away the smoke.

I gassed her up and, buddy, I was smilin’ don’t you know!

Popped a top and set a course for deeper H-2-O.

In all of my excitement, I must’ve somehow missed

The fact that to the starboard side, the boat began to list.

By the time that rocky, red dirt shore was far from sight,

That’s when it first occurred to me, “Somethin’ just ain’t right.”

Well, I would learn a fundamental boating lesson soon:

There’s just no way to bail water from a dang pontoon!

I shoved that throttle forward just as far as it would go,

But the engine died, and although I tried, it’s way to far to row.

I got mad and threw the key when she refused to start.

And then I got that awful sinking feeling in my heart.

As she was goin' down, I prayed a boat would come my way,

But, I suppose most folks stay home on cold days like today.

So, I reached around to grab that dirty, faded orange vest,

But it sank faster than the boat. I might’ve guessed.

I’ll never really know for sure, just what it was that sank her.

All I know is, just like that, she went from "boat" to "anchor."

And in those dark and murky waters as I tread,

I saw the boat key floatin’ on the key chain past my head.

Everything but the key chain sank.

Now, I’m cold and wet and sittin’ here on the bank.

Hopin’ that the check ain’t cleared the bank.

‘Cause everything but the key chain sank.

Now, the entire time that I was fightin’ for my very life,

I kept thinkin’, “Man, oh man, what will I tell my wife!”

‘Cause even if the drownin’ or the freezin’ doesn’t kill,

Rest assured, when I get home, the little lady will.

Mama always said the truth is better than a lie,

But I’m sure Mom would also say that I’m too young to die.

Now, should I compromise the facts and come up with a plan?

Or, suck it up and face the situation like a man?

When I get home, I’ll look her in the eye, and then I’ll say,

“Honey......... I’m with the CIA.

I’m authorized and duty-bound to use most any means

To rid our nation’s waterways of hostile submarines.

Yeah, sure, this time they got me. It was just a lucky shot.

But, I’m still around to tell the tale and them commie pigs are not!

So, darlin’, raise your right hand, repeat after me,

And from this day on, consider yourself sworn to secrecy.

Now, come on over here and hug your hero ‘round the neck.

And this month when the statement comes, and you see a certain check,

Remember, a thousand dollars is a measly price to pay

For safer family boating in the good ol' USA.

Everything but the key chain sank.

Now, I’m cold and wet and sittin’ here on the bank.

Hopin’ that the check ain’t cleared the bank.

‘Cause everything but the key chain sank.