Saturday, March 5, 2016

May the new year bring you pleasures 
Far beyond your wildest wishes 
May “bottoms up” be how you toast
Not how you find your fishes. 

May your Cheerios be cheery  
May your Frosted Flakes be GRRRRREAT!
May they not assume you’re ready  
For the senior discount rate.

May your invitees RSVP
May you not get one refusal
May your midnight snack be chips and dip
Not Tums and Metamucil. 

May the lightbulb in your thought balloon
Be shining watts and watts
May the fountain bring eternal youth
And not eternal trots.

May your poker face be steely 
May you never tip your your hand.
May you bet and never lose your shirt
Unless you’re nice and tanned. 

May your horses not be Trojan
May your nickels not be wooden
May that brown stuff on the baby’s hands
Be fudge or chocolate pudd’n. 

May your status be “It’s all good”
And not “It’s complicated”
May you not make dark confessions
At the dentist while sedated.

May rabbits’ feet be for their legs
And not your superstition
May “hot and sour” be your soup
And not your disposition. 

May you share canine companionship 
And not break out in rashes
May “hot” describe your latest look
And not your latest flashes. 

May your chances all be fat ones
May your pickings not be slim
May you always have more options
On a cruise than “sink” or “swim”

May your crowd demand an encore 
May there be no boos nor hissing
May you not wake up in some motel
With half your kidneys missing. 

May you lead your horse to water
May you make him drink his fill
May your name appear most often
In your wealthy uncle’s will.

May your amplifier volume
Hit eleven, not just ten
May your teenage kids not push you
Straight into the loony bin.

May your words be on the money
May your scores be off the chart
May ticker tape be what they throw
Not how they fix your heart 

May that email from Nigeria
Turn out to be legit
May your kids learn how to pitch a tent
And not a hissy fit. 

May you stop and hear the bluebirds
May you stop and smell the flowers
May you stop and sniff your underarms
Before you skip the showers. 

So grab a glass of something wet
And hoist it in the air
Here’s hoping this is not the year
You’re forced to grow a pair. 

©2014 Cleggo

A toast: To new beginnings.
May each of us endeavor
To lay to rest “It is what it is”
“You go girl” and “Whatever” 

May the fortune wheel hit JACKPOT!
Every time you twirl the spinner,
May your true love's glances make you lose
Your heart and not your dinner.  

May your plains always be fruited,
And your oceans, white with foam,
May your cell phones not be obsolete 
Before you get them home.

May your heart be in the heavens,
May your heels be on the earth,
May the stone inside your kidney
Be dissolved or given birth.

May you always dare to roll the dice
And never come-up craps,
So you have to wear a barrel
Held in place by leather straps. 

May you always know the answer,
May you always steal the show,
May you always have a plunger,
When the toilets overflow. 

May Cupid’s arrow find the one
To be your “Heart of Hearts”,
Then take his arrow back 
When all the constant nagging starts. 

May you stop and take a breather,
May you stop unhealthy vices,
May you stop the acid reflux
After eating zesty spices

May you prove The Reaper wrong 
When he announces, ”Time to go.”
May you always lend an ear
But not the same way as Van Gogh 

May your rise-and-shines be painless,
May your winds be strong and steady,
May you walk more than a block
And not collapse like wet spaghetti. 

May the sages seek your council, 
May your heart be sweet as nectar,
May everyone admire your taste
(Except for Hannibal Lecter.)

May your headlines read, “AMAZING!”
and “The Next Big Up-and-Comer!” 
May your movie be “A Beautiful Mind”
Instead of “Dumb and Dumber”

May your “attaboys” be many,
May your “kiss-my-butts” be few,
May the gum tossed on the sidewalk
Not come underneath your shoe.

May you know just when to stand your ground,
And when to cut and run,
May you never over-buy
Because it’s cheaper by the ton.

May your pilots be well-rested,
May your confidants not blabber,
May you not find out the hard way
When the milk has turned to clabber.

So board your ships, it’s time to sail
For waters yet uncharted.
“To your health” and “Down the hatch”
Let’s get this party started. 

©2014 Cleggo

Monday, October 26, 2015

Weight On Mummy

©2015 Dave Clegg

Ramses, the ravenous mummy
Discovered that junk food is yummy
But the gluttonous twit  
Didn’t know when to quit
Now his wrapping won’t fit ‘round his tummy.

Thursday, June 4, 2015


When the elephant woke from his rest,
On his head was a bird in a nest.
“Let me stay, pretty please
and I’ll rid you of fleas.”
And the elephant said, “Be my guest.” 
©2015 Dave Clegg

Monday, December 29, 2014

2015 Toast #1

©2014 Dave Clegg

A toast: To yet another year!
As each new season passes,
May all of us be shining stars 
And not dimwitted asses. 

May all your Christmas bills be paid
At least by mid-October
May all your future tattoos wait
Until you’re good and sober. 

May your words be music to their ears,
May your coffee be well-brewed,
May you “live the dream” but not the one
Where your at a party nude. 

May the next one, and the next one
Be the best you ever had,
May you never mix and match your stripes
With polka dots or plaid. 

May it mean you’re somewhere eating
When they say you’re “out to lunch”,
May you never take the blame for
What was floating in the punch.

May your eyes be free of bloodshot,
May your ears be free of waxes,
May your bathroom stalls be free before
Your bladder valve relaxes. 

May you never lose your sparkle,
May you never lose your glow,
May you never lose your Kleenex
When your nostrils need a blow. 

May your boss not catch you napping,
May your trousers not catch fire,
May a vicious kick not catch you
Where it makes your voice go higher. 

May your purse and wallet overflow 
With lots of legal tender,
May your bathroom scales say “Way to go!”
Instead of “I surrender!”

May you never take a back seat  
May you never give out early
May you never hire the legal team 
Of Larry, Moe, and Curly. 

May you bite off more than you can chew
And still have room for more,
May you learn what all the buttons
On remote controls are for. 

May you tolerate the lactose, 
May your colon not be spastic,
May you never toss your cookies
While you trip the light fantastic

May your earliest convenience
Give you all the time you need,
May your laxative work wonders 
If at first, you don’t succeed. 

May your feet stay on the good path,
May your eyes stay straight ahead,
May your teeth stay in your mouth
And not the jar beside your bed. 

May you always have their number, 
May they always have your back,
May you always sound convincing
When your really don’t know jack. 

May you be a cornucopia 
Of all things super-duper, 
May you walk your dog around the park
And never need a scooper. 

So raise your glasses to the air
And give them all a clink.
Here’s hoping everybody has
A year that doesn’t stink. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Your Last Resort

©2014 Dave Clegg
When you run up the flagpole and no one salutes
When no one is walking a mile in your boots
When nobody wants you to be in cahoots

When you’re odd-man-out at a three-legged race
When your only close ties are the ones that you lace
When even your dog says, “I just need some space.”

When no one is willing, though perfectly able
When no one will sit in the chair at your table
When your only connection is wi-fi or cable

When no heads will turn as you holler out loud
When your shadow is shaped like your personal cloud
When your easiest feat is dispersing a crowd

When nobody laughs at your stand-up routine
When nobody sees you and turns envy-green
When the folks in your line leave a space in-between. 

When you pedal alone on a bike built for two
When both of the straws in the shake are for you
When your welcome mat’s old but it still looks brand new

When the seesaw is leaving you flat on the ground
When you shout for an echo and don’t hear a sound
When even a car salesman won’t stick around

When your loveseat is merely a very wide chair
When you do your best artwork and can’t draw a stare
When you want to play Hearts but it’s all Solitaire

When you look in your mirror 

and nobody’s there

I’ll be

your last resort. 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Dream Control Device

©2014 Dave Clegg
I came across an old brass lamp
To which I gave a stroke,
And from which popped a genie 
In a swirling cloud of smoke.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes
Then focused them on me,
And said, “For my deliverance, 
I do grant these wishes, three.”

So that is how I came upon
This Dream Control Device
For I was certain such a thing
Would fetch a handsome price.

Imagine, no more nightmares,
No more strange nocturnal trips. 
Just wear this Dream Control Device
And you can write the scripts!  

My store is always well-stocked
Though I sell them by the slew
The inventory won’t deplete
(Hey, thanks wish number two!)

It all went very well at first
My bank account exploded.
Alas, it wasn’t long before
Disturbing trends were noted.

It seems the population
In an ever-growing number
Are trading in their real lives
For a fantasy in slumber.

Theaters stand empty
And the garbage, uncollected.
I couldn’t find a doctor 
When my hangnail got infected. 

Now, only for the briefest times
Do people move about.
Mostly when the Sominex
And tryptophan run out. 

Life, the way we knew it 
Is now grinding to a halt.
Abandoned cars and buildings,
And to think, it’s all my fault!

With firefighters fast asleep
As raging fires are burning
It gives me pause to contemplate
The lesson I’m now learning. 

If we could engineer our dreams
To play out as we choose,
The world would quickly fall apart
And crumble as we snooze. 

"I wish I'd never wished this!"
I declare in one loud scream.
My third wish spent, I wake to find
Was all just one bad dream.