May the new year bring you pleasures
Far beyond your wildest wishes
May “bottoms up” be how you toast
Not how you find your fishes.
May your Cheerios be cheery
May your Frosted Flakes be GRRRRREAT!
May they not assume you’re ready
For the senior discount rate.
May your invitees RSVP
May you not get one refusal
May your midnight snack be chips and dip
Not Tums and Metamucil.
May the lightbulb in your thought balloon
Be shining watts and watts
May the fountain bring eternal youth
And not eternal trots.
May your poker face be steely
May you never tip your your hand.
May you bet and never lose your shirt
Unless you’re nice and tanned.
May your horses not be Trojan
May your nickels not be wooden
May that brown stuff on the baby’s hands
Be fudge or chocolate pudd’n.
May your status be “It’s all good”
And not “It’s complicated”
May you not make dark confessions
At the dentist while sedated.
May rabbits’ feet be for their legs
And not your superstition
May “hot and sour” be your soup
And not your disposition.
May you share canine companionship
And not break out in rashes
May “hot” describe your latest look
And not your latest flashes.
May your chances all be fat ones
May your pickings not be slim
May you always have more options
On a cruise than “sink” or “swim”
May your crowd demand an encore
May there be no boos nor hissing
May you not wake up in some motel
With half your kidneys missing.
May you lead your horse to water
May you make him drink his fill
May your name appear most often
In your wealthy uncle’s will.
May your amplifier volume
Hit eleven, not just ten
May your teenage kids not push you
Straight into the loony bin.
May your words be on the money
May your scores be off the chart
May ticker tape be what they throw
Not how they fix your heart
May that email from Nigeria
Turn out to be legit
May your kids learn how to pitch a tent
And not a hissy fit.
May you stop and hear the bluebirds
May you stop and smell the flowers
May you stop and sniff your underarms
Before you skip the showers.
So grab a glass of something wet
And hoist it in the air
Here’s hoping this is not the year
You’re forced to grow a pair.