My Life Is In Da Toilet (But I Will Not Be Deterred)

©2008 Dave Clegg

I was on the fast track on my way up to the top.

In my brain, that gravy train was never going to stop.

But then, that locomotive started runnin’ low on steam.

One day, my boss called me in, said, “Take one for the team.” 

He handed me a cardboard box to carry out my junk.

And gave my corner office to his brother's worthless punk.

My poor ol’ stock portfolio has never shrunk so small. 

Soon, I’ll just be lucky if it’s even there at all.

I traded in my Hummer and my new Mercedes, too.

Now, I drive a Pinto built in 1982. 

My debt-to-income ratio has got me in a fix.

Looks like I’ll be working ‘til I’m a hundred, ninety-six. 

I’ve never been a loser,

But right now, I just can’t win

I was sittin’ pretty

And I will be once again.

You can’t keep me down-and-out.

Brother, take my word.

My life is in da toilet

But I will not be deterred. 

Here’s a picture of my kids, taken way back when.

What I wouldn’t give to have them look that way again.

Now, my boy has gang tattoos from his waist up to his head

And my girl looks like a zombie from “The Night of the Living Dead”.

I pray that someday she’ll get tired of dressing like Mortisha,

And my son will get his discharge from the Skinhead Militia.

I came home one day to find my wife was up and gone.

She’s somewhere in Tahiti with the man who does our lawn.

She said, “A handsome man like you can find another spouse.

And, by the way, pack up your things. I sold the house.”

I’ve never been a loser,

But right now, I just can’t win

I was sittin’ pretty

And I will be once again.

You can’t keep me down-and-out.

Brother, take my word.

My life is in da toilet

But I will not be deterred. 

Blind Date

©1996 Dave Clegg

It was a lonesome year since my baby left

And my friends were so concerned.

They said, “You can’t put the blame 

On love’s sweet flame

Just because you got burned.”

So they set me up with a friend of a friend

Of a friend I’d never met,

And it would’ve been better 

If I still hadn’t met her,

Now I’m still trying to forget...

About the blind date from Hell’s gate.

Man, my buddies made a big mistake!

A miss-match if there’s ever been.

Three long hours and it seemed like ten.

There was insult, there was pain,

There was hard-earned money 

Runnin’ down the drain.

Bonnie and Clyde met a happier fate. 

It was a blind date from Hell’s gate. 

I showed up in my cowboy boots,

She wore an evening dress.

She said, “I changed my mind 

About the Dance-’n-Dine. 

I want the very best!”

But the maitre d’ took a look at me

And wouldn’t let us in.

We had to settle for the joint next door,

She hauled off and kicked me in the shin.

She didn’t like my truck, 

She didn’t like my jokes,

She didn’t care much for my kind of folks.

But I drew the line when she told me that

I look really silly in a cowboy hat.

Blind date from Hell’s gate.

Man, my buddies made a big mistake!

A miss-match if there’s ever been.

Three long hours and it seemed like ten.

There was insult, there was pain,

There was hard-earned money 

Runnin’ down the drain.

Bonnie and Clyde met a happier fate. 

It was a blind date from Hell’s gate. 

I’d jump from Lover’s Leap to escape

Another blind date from Hell’s gate. 

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

©2009 Dave Clegg

Two good ol’ boys, 

in the Walmart parking lot,

Swappin’ knuckle sandwiches

With everything they’ve got.

They wear the same wife-beaters.

They’re from the same hometown. 

The Red Man stains between their teeth

Are the same shade of brown.

They use the same bad grammar, 

With the same accent.

They’re both big Georgia Bulldog fans,

Though, neither of them went.

All the things they have in common

Must now be ignored, 

'Cause one drives a Chevy

And the other drives a Ford

Why can’t we all just get along?

If I knew the answer I’d stick it in this song, oh but

One person’s right is always someone else’s wrong,

Why can’t we all just get along?

Two soccer moms,

Goin’ toe-to-toe.

You can see it all on YouTube

Thanks to cell phone video,

They fly the same team colors on the

Same mini vans

Same color fingernails on the

Same color hands.

Same color lipstick,

Same color boots,

Same trendy hairstyles with the 

Same color roots.

One shouts in anger

As they jerk each other’s hair,

“I brought the snacks last week,

That’s just not fair!”

Oh, why can't we all just get along?...

I’d love to teach the world to sing

In perfect harmony

But I’m still searching, trying to find

Just two folks who agree.

So pardon me if I don’t share

Your lofty expectations,

But you can have those oxymorons 

At the United Nations.

Why can’t we all just get along?

If I knew the answer I’d stick it in this song, oh but

One person’s right is always someone else’s wrong,

Why can’t we all just get along?

It Wasn’t Supposed To Happen To Me

©2008 Dave Clegg

She used to be a beauty queen.

She had no need for Maybellene.

And then she got on up in years,

Small incisions behind her ears.

Face lifted once again,

And now her navel is on her chin.

I used to laugh, “It’s vanity!

Accept your fate with dignity.”

That was before I lost my youth.

Do I look old? Now, tell the truth.

Well, it just so happens,

These things happen.

They happen naturally.

But it wasn’t supposed to happen to me!

A while back, my Uncle Bill,

Started poppin’ Minoxodil.

Hair plugs fell flat.

Threw in the towel, bought a hat.

He used to cry, “Boo hoo!”

I used to laugh, “Looks good on you.”

That was before my hair got thinner.

Now I’m eatin’ crow for dinner.

Crows feet, spider veins,

Conversations on aches and pains.

I used to laugh, and poke fun.

That was before I became one.

Well, it just so happens,

These things happen.

They happen naturally.

But it wasn’t supposed to happen to me!

No, it wasn’t 

supposed to happen 

to me!

Satisfaction

©2009 Dave Clegg

I scrape together a few dinero

Money down on a used camaro.

Here I am thinkin’ I’m such a hottie.

When up rolls Bob in a Maserati. 

I build a patio, fix up my place.

Look of envy on my neighbor’s face.

And then he wins the Power Ball.

Now I’m in the shadow of the Taj Mahal.

How you gonna hang with the other feller

When your boat is smaller than his propeller?

Look the wrong way for the right reaction,

And you won’t find– satisfaction.

I did some braggin’ the other day

“We own a time-share in F. L. A.”

The other guy says, “That’s terrific.

I own an island in the South Pacific.”

I hit the gym six days a week.

All my muscles are at their peak.

Just when I can’t feel any greater,

In walks Arnold– The Governator. 

How you gonna hang with the other feller

When your boat is smaller than his propeller?

Look the wrong way for the right reaction,

And you won’t find– satisfaction.

Warm up my voice, grab my guitar.

It’s open mic at the local bar. 

The crowd goes wild! It's loud as thunder!

I turn around.... it’s Stevie Wonder.

How you gonna hang with the other feller

When your boat is smaller than his propeller?

Look the wrong way for the right reaction,

And you won’t find...

If your self-esteem just can't get traction,

It’s time to redefine– satisfaction.

Everything but the Keychain Sank

©2007 Dave Clegg

I was headin’ south on Highway 9, sometime around noon.

When I saw the “FOR SALE” sign on the bow of that pontoon.

My wife would shoot me dead, but I’m the man, so what-the-heck.

I banged a U-ey, rang the bell, and wrote the dude a check.

When I backed up to the trailer, I nearly drove into a ditch,

But, in no time at all, I had ‘er sittin’ on the hitch.

Got the wires connected, and I’m thinkin’, “Piece of cake!”

Shifted into drive and made a bee-line for the lake.

I circled ‘round the parkin’ lot, backed ‘er down the ramp,

Parked my truck and hopped aboard, she cranked just like a champ.

Eased off on the throttle, disengaged the choke,

And waved my hands from side to side to clear away the smoke.

I gassed her up and, buddy, I was smilin’ don’t you know!

Popped a top and set a course for deeper H-2-O.

In all of my excitement, I must’ve somehow missed

The fact that to the starboard side, the boat began to list.

By the time that rocky, red dirt shore was far from sight,

That’s when it first occurred to me, “Somethin’ just ain’t right.”

Well, I would learn a fundamental boating lesson soon:

There’s just no way to bail water from a dang pontoon!

I shoved that throttle forward just as far as it would go,

But the engine died, and although I tried, it’s way to far to row.

I got mad and threw the key when she refused to start.

And then I got that awful sinking feeling in my heart.

As she was goin' down, I prayed a boat would come my way,

But, I suppose most folks stay home on cold days like today.

So, I reached around to grab that dirty, faded orange vest,

But it sank faster than the boat. I might’ve guessed.

I’ll never really know for sure, just what it was that sank her.

All I know is, just like that, she went from "boat" to "anchor."

And in those dark and murky waters as I tread,

I saw the boat key floatin’ on the key chain past my head.

Everything but the key chain sank.

Now, I’m cold and wet and sittin’ here on the bank.

Hopin’ that the check ain’t cleared the bank.

‘Cause everything but the key chain sank.

Now, the entire time that I was fightin’ for my very life,

I kept thinkin’, “Man, oh man, what will I tell my wife!”

‘Cause even if the drownin’ or the freezin’ doesn’t kill,

Rest assured, when I get home, the little lady will.

Mama always said the truth is better than a lie,

But I’m sure Mom would also say that I’m too young to die.

Now, should I compromise the facts and come up with a plan?

Or, suck it up and face the situation like a man?

When I get home, I’ll look her in the eye, and then I’ll say,

“Honey......... I’m with the CIA.

I’m authorized and duty-bound to use most any means

To rid our nation’s waterways of hostile submarines.

Yeah, sure, this time they got me. It was just a lucky shot.

But, I’m still around to tell the tale and them commie pigs are not!

So, darlin’, raise your right hand, repeat after me,

And from this day on, consider yourself sworn to secrecy.

Now, come on over here and hug your hero ‘round the neck.

And this month when the statement comes, and you see a certain check,

Remember, a thousand dollars is a measly price to pay

For safer family boating in the good ol' USA.

Everything but the key chain sank.

Now, I’m cold and wet and sittin’ here on the bank.

Hopin’ that the check ain’t cleared the bank.

‘Cause everything but the key chain sank.

Mr. Bondo's Wonder Glue

©1985

One day, as I drove home from work,

I guess I didn't really mean to jerk

So hard, and that rear-view came tumblin' down.

Well, I hadn't gone so very far,

So I thought I'd redirect my car

To the K-Mart on the other side of town.

Finally got there just at dark,

Found myself a place to park

Right next to a brand new Chevy 4X4.

Well, I must say, it was a mean machine.

It was camouflage on army green

Had a sticker that said, "I'D RATHER BE AT WAR."

Had another one that said, 

"HONK IF YOU WANT YOUR LEGS BROKE."

Well anyway, I went on in,

Made my way to the bargain bin

Where I had seen the light flashin' blue.

I reached in and dug around

And it wasn't long before I found

A tube of Mr. Bondo's Wonder Glue.

MR. BONDO'S. 

It's a wonder to behold!

Twice your cash back lifetime guarantee!

MR. BONDO'S

Once it dries, it won't let go!

Sticks forever and eternity!

I thought to myself, "This should do the trick,

Says right here it's guaranteed to stick

To any surface that is free of grease or grime."

The girl up at the checkout stand 

Said, "Sir, if you get this on your hands

You better get it of, and don't waste any time!"

I went back out to fix my mirror,

And found that I could see much clearer

If I stood outside my car beneath the lights.

So I took the tube out of the wrappin'

And I don't know just how it happened,

But the stuff just sort of exploded like dynamite.

I had that glue all over my hands

So I wiped 'em off on the back of my pants,

Leaned back and thought, "That's just my luck!"

About that time, it occurred to me

I had attached myself rather permanently 

By the seat of my pants to Rambo's pickup truck. 

I was standin' there tryin' to get myself loose

When I saw this guy about the size of a moose

Comin' out of K-Mart, headed my way.

The closer he got, the madder he looked,

I knew right then my goose was cooked

And I couldn't even get down on my knees to pray!

He walked right up without sayin' a word,

The he grabbed me by the front of my shirt

And said, "Find yourself another place to lean!"

I cleared my throat, faked a smile

And said, "Well, that may take a while.

If you'll give me a chance, I'll show you what I mean."

He said, "No, you're out of time.

Boy, I'm about to ring your chime!"

And he proceeded to beat me like a drum!

But when he backed off and I was still around,

He said, "I like a man who stands his ground.

You must be tough! Or maybe you're just dumb."

I could see I'd raised some doubt in his head

So I did my best John Wayne and said,

"I'm a pistol totin' cowboy Green Beret."

I must have made a good impression

'Cause he discontinued his aggression.

Then he got back in his truck... and drove away.

I was doin' OK at keepin' up at first,

Until he took that rascal out of reverse,

Left the parking lot, started picking up speed.

My legs have never moved so fast!

I wasn't sure how long I'd last,

But then, I thought, "Well dummy, pick up your feet!"

Meanwhile, the moose was havin' a fit

Trying to figure out how a guy can sit

Against the door of a pickup truck doin' 45.

I wish you could have seen his face

When he hit 60, I was keepin' pace.

He musta thought I was the fastest man alive!

He was looking at me, just shakin' his head,

And when he turned around the light was red

So he slammed the brake through the floorboard

And I went flyin'. 

I was airborne for a city block,

Plowed right into a traffic cop.

Laid that sucker out cold. I thought I was dying!

But, I picked myself up off the ground,

And after a little bit of stumbling around,

I was finally able to regain my composure.

Then I felt a draft around my knees,

I looked down, saw my BVD's. 

The cop came to and booked me for indecent exposure. 

Well, somewhere there's a 4X4

With a pair of my Levi's stuck to the door,

And I'm gonna fix that mirror when I get the chance.

But as for now, I'm awaiting bail

And braggin' to the wino in my cell

About the night I learned to fly... 

By the seat of my pants.

All The Rage

©Dave Clegg

I’m second in line at the intersection,

The traffic light turns green.

The car ahead just sits there.

I guess it must’ve gone unseen.

I give my horn a gentle tap,

Politely as I could.

And out steps a raving lunatic

With a big ol’ stick of wood.

He banged out some morse code

On my hood with a vicious beat.

The message he relayed to me,

I’d rather not repeat.

Well, I’ve been told this sort of thing

Is happening every day.

Seems to be the latest craze

Across the USA.

It’s all the rage on the road

From Detroit to San Antone.

All the rage up and down

The Boulevard of Broken Bones.

All the rage on the interstates

From sea to shining sea.

Someday soon it’s gonna trigger

All the rage in me.

I’m zippin’ down the highway

Faster than the laws allow.

But the fool behind me thought

That wasn’t fast enough, somehow.

He got up on my bumper,

So, of course, I slowed the pace.

He followed me to where I live

And rearanged my face.

You flash your brights in self-defense

To keep from going blind.

You just assume the other driver

Has a stable mind.

Well, life is one big gamble,

And today, my friend, you loose.

This guy’s a human powder keg

And you just lit the fuse.

It’s all the rage on the road

From Detroit to San Antone.

All the rage up and down

The Boulevard of Broken Bones.

All the rage on the interstates

From sea to shining sea.

Someday soon it’s gonna trigger

All the rage in me.

Don’t suffer through the school

Of hard knocks to learn your lesson.

Get yourself a sign that says,

“PROTECTED BY SMITH AND WESSON”

Roll up all your windows,

Guard yourself against attack.

And never fight the traffic

‘Cause it just might fight you back.

It’s all the rage on the road

From Santa Fe to New Rochelle.

All the rage at the truck stops

On the highway to Hell.

All the rage on the interstates

From sea to shining sea.

Someday soon it’s gonna trigger

All the rage in me.

Yeah, someday soon it’s gonna trigger

(This urge to kill is getting bigger!)

Someday soon it’s gonna trigger

All the rage in me