Mr. Bondo's Wonder Glue

©1985

One day, as I drove home from work,

I guess I didn't really mean to jerk

So hard, and that rear-view came tumblin' down.

Well, I hadn't gone so very far,

So I thought I'd redirect my car

To the K-Mart on the other side of town.

Finally got there just at dark,

Found myself a place to park

Right next to a brand new Chevy 4X4.

Well, I must say, it was a mean machine.

It was camouflage on army green

Had a sticker that said, "I'D RATHER BE AT WAR."

Had another one that said, 

"HONK IF YOU WANT YOUR LEGS BROKE."

Well anyway, I went on in,

Made my way to the bargain bin

Where I had seen the light flashin' blue.

I reached in and dug around

And it wasn't long before I found

A tube of Mr. Bondo's Wonder Glue.

MR. BONDO'S. 

It's a wonder to behold!

Twice your cash back lifetime guarantee!

MR. BONDO'S

Once it dries, it won't let go!

Sticks forever and eternity!

I thought to myself, "This should do the trick,

Says right here it's guaranteed to stick

To any surface that is free of grease or grime."

The girl up at the checkout stand 

Said, "Sir, if you get this on your hands

You better get it of, and don't waste any time!"

I went back out to fix my mirror,

And found that I could see much clearer

If I stood outside my car beneath the lights.

So I took the tube out of the wrappin'

And I don't know just how it happened,

But the stuff just sort of exploded like dynamite.

I had that glue all over my hands

So I wiped 'em off on the back of my pants,

Leaned back and thought, "That's just my luck!"

About that time, it occurred to me

I had attached myself rather permanently 

By the seat of my pants to Rambo's pickup truck. 

I was standin' there tryin' to get myself loose

When I saw this guy about the size of a moose

Comin' out of K-Mart, headed my way.

The closer he got, the madder he looked,

I knew right then my goose was cooked

And I couldn't even get down on my knees to pray!

He walked right up without sayin' a word,

The he grabbed me by the front of my shirt

And said, "Find yourself another place to lean!"

I cleared my throat, faked a smile

And said, "Well, that may take a while.

If you'll give me a chance, I'll show you what I mean."

He said, "No, you're out of time.

Boy, I'm about to ring your chime!"

And he proceeded to beat me like a drum!

But when he backed off and I was still around,

He said, "I like a man who stands his ground.

You must be tough! Or maybe you're just dumb."

I could see I'd raised some doubt in his head

So I did my best John Wayne and said,

"I'm a pistol totin' cowboy Green Beret."

I must have made a good impression

'Cause he discontinued his aggression.

Then he got back in his truck... and drove away.

I was doin' OK at keepin' up at first,

Until he took that rascal out of reverse,

Left the parking lot, started picking up speed.

My legs have never moved so fast!

I wasn't sure how long I'd last,

But then, I thought, "Well dummy, pick up your feet!"

Meanwhile, the moose was havin' a fit

Trying to figure out how a guy can sit

Against the door of a pickup truck doin' 45.

I wish you could have seen his face

When he hit 60, I was keepin' pace.

He musta thought I was the fastest man alive!

He was looking at me, just shakin' his head,

And when he turned around the light was red

So he slammed the brake through the floorboard

And I went flyin'. 

I was airborne for a city block,

Plowed right into a traffic cop.

Laid that sucker out cold. I thought I was dying!

But, I picked myself up off the ground,

And after a little bit of stumbling around,

I was finally able to regain my composure.

Then I felt a draft around my knees,

I looked down, saw my BVD's. 

The cop came to and booked me for indecent exposure. 

Well, somewhere there's a 4X4

With a pair of my Levi's stuck to the door,

And I'm gonna fix that mirror when I get the chance.

But as for now, I'm awaiting bail

And braggin' to the wino in my cell

About the night I learned to fly... 

By the seat of my pants.