©2008 Dave Clegg
When I was young, my Grandpa sat beside me.
Said, “Boy, I wanna give you some advice.
You see, through the years, I’ve learned some painful lessons.
A couple of them, more than once or twice.
Now, you may choose to learn these things the hard way,
But son, I’m beggin’ you, for goodness sakes,
Please listen to Grandpa’s words of wisdom,
So you won’t have to make the same mistakes.
He lowered his gray head,
And through his tears he said,
Don’t crank the chain saw ‘til you’re sober.
Never poke a pit bull in the eye.
Never milk a cow with just one spigot.
And if you can’t beat the train, don’t even try.
Climb down off the horse before you brand it.
Never ride a bike without a seat.
If you buy food to take to next months picnic,
You really should refrigerate the meat.
Don’t go huntin’ bears without your bullets.
Don't hang glide off a busy freeway bridge.
NEVER say your wife don’t look good nekkid.
And don’t play hide-and-seek inside the fridge.
Never set the gas can by the fireplace.
If you don’t know cars, don’t fix your own brakes.
When your at the Reptile Farm in Florida,
Don’t show off by kissin’ rattle snakes.
Don’t fly upside down in a biplane,
Unless you’re buckled in there good and tight.
If you’re ice fishin’ up in Minnesota,
It’s prob’ly best you don’t use dynamite.
Always measure down before you bungee.
And never use a home-made parachute.
If your head gets stuck in the barrel of a cannon,
It’s better to yell ”shucks” than “shoot”.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub
Just because the water heater’s broke.
Don’t perform the Heimlich on a gangster’s wife.
Just keep to yourself and let her choke.
When you have a hankerin’ for honey,
Get it from the store, not from the hive.
If you wear women’s clothes into a biker bar,
There ain’t much chance you’ll make it out alive.
Well, I’d like to say I listened to my Grandpa,
But I was just a knuckle-headed kid.
It’s a wonder I survived past twenty,
‘Cause I've done every single think he did.
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