Wreck of the Wedded Bliss Fairy Tale

(to the tune of “Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald”)

Lyrics ©1991 Dave Clegg

In Eighty and Two, we both said, “I do.”

And our marriage had started out very well.

So happy and free, yes, you might say that we

Lived the life of the wedded bliss fairy tale.

As days turned to years, it seemed all of our peers

Were beginning to add to their numbers.

Please pardon the next line, but in order to rhyme,

I could only come up with “cucumbers.”

The time came and went, and we were quite content 

To be free like the bird and the butterfly.

Then, much to our shock, the biological clock

Said, “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.”

At first when she said that the rabbit was dead,

There was laughter and much merry makin’. 

But it all turned about as she puked her guts out,

She said, “What in the heck was I thinkin”.

When nine months had passed and the time came at last,

It was my job to help her get through it.

But when I took her hand, she said, “Don’t touch me, man!

This is all your fault. You made me do it!”

I told her, “Be strong”, that it won’t last for long.

That her troubles will soon all be ending.

With a blood curdling yell, and a slap on the tail,

Our troubles were only beginning. 

All the visions I had about being a dad,

Of the football, the fun and the frolic,

Were quickly replaced by a sobering taste

Of the poop and the puke and the colic.

I remember a time of a life so sublime,

Of movies and intimate dining.

We spend our nights now on the living room couch

To the sounds of the screaming and whining.

By the time we hit bed, well, we’re just about dead,

But there still burns a fire deep within here.

I snuggle up tight, but she says, “Not tonight.

And perhaps, never ever again, dear.”

In time we all must find a way to adjust,

And just when everything was going fairly well,

Oh Lord, help us through, here comes verse number two

Of the wreck of the wedded bliss fairy tale.