Gold Miner's Daughter

(to the tune of Coal Miner's Daughter)
©Dave Clegg

I’m a courtin’ a gold miner’s daughter.

She’s got more gold than the ocean has water.

Well, I’m poor, but I’m resourceful,

And it’s made her folks remorseful

For the braces and the nose-job they never got her.

She’s the saddest thing you ever laid eyes on,

And she’d take the first poor slob who comes along.

I’m proud that slob is me

‘Cause I’ll be set, financially. 

When I’m married to the gold miner’s daughter.

I met her at the dog show late last year.

She won first prize for the floppiest pair of ears.

Man, she made my stomach rumble,

Until I heard she was worth a bundle.

She’s an only child and gold miner’s daughter.

Her mom and dad don’t think my love is true.

But no one could love her gold the way I do.

I’d marry her tonight,

But only ‘cause the price is right.

Yeah, she’s ugly, but she’s a gold miner’s daughter.

I’m prayin’ that her folks will eventually

Stop sickin’ them dang Rottweilers on me.

Well, they can chew ‘til my skin is raw,

But I’m gonna be their son-in-law.

Then you can call me MISTER Gold Miner’s Daughter. 

I Don't Need It

©Dave Clegg

I don’t need a new Mercedes, 

I don’t need a Cadillac.

I don’t need a big fine mansion 

With a pool out in the back.

I don’t need a yacht for sailing, 

I don’t need a private jet,

I don’t need no trips to Paris, 

Or other places I ain’t been yet...

But I want it! I want it bad!

I want the life of luxury I never had.

I wanna buy my wife big diamond rings

And lots of other shiny things.

I don’t need it, but I want it bad.

I don’t need a tailor-made wardrobe, 

Or a Rolex on my wrist.

Of the world’s most pampered people, 

I don’t need to make the list.

I don’t need a mountain chalet, 

Or a lake-side bungalow.

I don’t need a high-rise penthouse 

On the Gulf of Mexico.

But I want it! I want it bad!

I want the life of luxury I never had.

I wanna live the high-life to the hilt

Like Rockefeller and Vanderbilt.

I don’t need it, but I want it bad.

I don’t need a personal assistant 

To help me plan my week.

I don’t need a personal trainer 

To chisel my physique.

I don’t need a bunch of servants, 

Genuflect on one knee.

And I don’t need a gourmet chef 

To fix my food for me.

But I want it! I want it bad!

I want the life of luxury I never had.

I want real estate and blue chip stocks

I wanna be the envy of Fort Knox.

I don’t need it, but I want it bad.

I wanna buy it low and sell it high,

I wanna be that little Monopoly guy.

I don’t need it, but I want it bad.

I don’t need it, but I want it bad.

The Contract

©2008 Dave Clegg

The doorbell rings, I know just who it is. 

It's the punk who has a date with my sweet daughter.

Attitude, hair down in his eyes,

And I'm wondering if he’s heard of soap and water.

“Right this way, you can wait in here.

She should be downstairs most anytime.”

He shrugs his boney shoulders and says, “Whatever.” 

(The sorry little no-good sack of slime!) 

I sat him down in the dining room,

Crossed my arms and lowered my voice deep.

You should have seen the look of panic in those beady eyes 

When I said, “Listen up, you little creep!”

“I’ve never carried out an urge to kill.

Not even sure if I’d know how.

But, sonny boy, I’m a real fast learner.

And there’s no better time to start than now.”

I laid a contract on the table where he sat,

Stuck an ink pen in his grubby fist.

No lawyer-talk, no legalese, 

Just twelve simple lines that read like this:

   I, (sign your name) do swear to keep

   My hands in my pockets (except to drive)

   And I hereby agree, if I so much as touch this girl,

   I will forfeit my right to stay alive.

   I solemnly swear upon my future grave.

   To have your precious daughter home by ten.

   I furthermore acknowledge, if I’m one second late,

   They’ll have to notify my next of kin.

   I approve, but will not limit you to,

   The following methods of my demise:

   Electrocution, hanging, disembowelment,

   Or a single bullet right between the eyes. 

He jumped up and bolted for the door

Left strips of flaming rubber on our road. 

That’s how it goes when your teenage Prince Charming.
Turns out to be just another toad. 

Hayzoose

©2008 Dave Clegg

A while ago, I left The Home Depot

With supplies to build a tool shed.

Hit a bump in the road, nearly lost my load,

But I managed to keep a cool head.

I found me a spot in a parking lot

To check if everything was in order.

When, into the back, climbing onto my stack,

Was a man from south of the border.

I said, “Hey man, you don’t understand.

I don’t need your assistance.

Here’s a buck, now get off of my truck,

And don’t give me any resistance.”

His English wasn’t good, but he understood,

He said, “Please, amigo,

My name Hayzoose, I work for you

So I can feed my wife and bambino.”

Quit your cryin’ that’s no concern of mine.

Now get the heck off my lumber.

I counted, “One, two...” and said, “if I were you

I wouldn’t make me say the next number.”

He lowered his head and climbed out of the bed.

I guess I showed him who‘s boss.

But he kept on staring at the chain I was wearing,

Yeah, he wants to steal my gold cross!

I left him in the dust, now, it’s “home or bust”,

I couldn’t wait to use my new hammer!

Can you believe that jerk asking me for work!

They ought to lock him up in the slammer.

I was cursing the way things are today,

Wondering how much I can take,

When a semi truck put an end to my luck.

Smashed me flat as a pancake.

When I opened my eyes, to my surprise.

I was looking at a WalMart greeter.

But to my fright, he was dressed in white,

And the name tag said, ”St. Peter”.

Ol’ St. Pete said, “I‘d like you to meet...

And I just about fell to pieces!

”Well, I’ll be Mother Goose, is that you Hayzoose?”

He smiled and said, “Call me Jesus.”

He said, “I came to you to see what you would do.

But I guess you didn’t want to bother.

Remember, when you sneeze on the least of these,

You do the same to The Father.”

“If you, my son, were to help someone,

Would it really cause you that much trouble?”

I said, “Hold the phone! If I had only known,

I would’ve hired you and paid you double!”

He stood there awhile with a gentle smile

And placed a hand on my shoulder.

He said, “Do not fear, you’re welcome here,

But you’ll have to wait until you’re older.”

Next thing I knew, I was comin’ to.

Rearin‘ and ready for action.

I’ll make a brand new start with a brand new heart,

Soon as I get out of traction.

Close Your Eyes

©2008 Dave Clegg 

Close your eyes, little boy, 

Let your dreams take you sailing

Where spoons run away with dishes.

Where chocolate rivers bubble up

From sugar candy fountains.

And you wink your eye to satisfy your wishes.

Close your eyes, little boy.

When you’re with the Sandman,  

You can float above the clouds like a feather.

Sleep little boy. Now that you’re in dreamland,

Mommy and I can spend some time together.

= )

: (

Close your eyes, little boy,

No, you’ve had enough water.

And we just changed your sheets this morning.

Hurry up, little boy,

Mommy’s fading fast!

She just gave me the two-minute warning.

Close your eyes, little boy.

Pleeeease do this for Daddy!

See, he needs special playtime with your mother.

So close your little eyes,

‘Cause if you don’t go beddy-bye, 

You’re never gonna to have a baby brother!

Close your eyes!

Now, where are you going?

You just went potty, now it’s time for slumber!

Let go of the cat! 

You broke his tail the last time. 

Now, get back in that bed and saw some lumber!

CLOSE YOUR EYES, YOU LITTLE....

Look, I’m running out of time here!

And as long as you’re awake, I’m not scoring! 

But, if you go to sleep right now...

Oh, forget it!

That sound from down the hall is Mommy snoring.

Close your eyes, little boy, 

Let your dreams take you sailing

Where spoons run away with dishes.

Where chocolate rivers bubble up

From sugar candy fountains.

And you wink your eye to satisfy your wishes.

; )

SPAM

©2008 Dave Clegg

I booted my Mac to check my e-mail.

When I clicked on the in-box it started to swell.

Must’ve been nine hundred messages deep,

And nary a one did I de-sire to keep.

Well, being the curious soul that I am,

I had me a look at a chunk of that spam.

The assumptions about me made me so proud.

I’m broke, bald, and lonely, and under-endowed.

You could hang all the scoundrels who spread this pollution,

But I have a much more effective solution.

Let’s round up the turkeys who fall for these lies

And repeat these words until they realize…

There’s no magic potion to re-grow your hair,

And there’s no way to add any inches down there.

You ain’t won the lottery. It’s a scam.

And you’re the dumb sucker who bites on the spam.

You’re just the dumb sucker who bites on the spam.

There’s no better way to gain a man’s trust,

Than to play to his greed, vanity and lust.

All logic and reason get stuck in the mud

For dreams of becoming a rich, handsome stud.

Now, spammers are evil, no argument here.

But without willing dupes, they’d all disappear.

So to all of you dim-witted, gullible fools,

Pay close attention to the following rules.

There’s no magic potion to re-grow your hair,

And there’s no way to add any inches down there.

You ain’t won the lottery. It’s a scam.

And you’re the dumb sucker who bites on the spam.

You’re just the dumb sucker who bites on the spam.

Now, finally! Here’s one that could be legit.

A stock with potential, it's a guaranteed hit!

All I need, now, is to choose an amount,

Then hand them the keys to my checking account.

There’s no magic potion to re-grow your hair,

And there’s no way to add any inches down there.

You ain’t won the lottery. It’s a scam.

And you’re the dumb sucker who bites on the spam.

You’re just the dumb sucker who bites on the spam.

Barn Full of Horses

©1996 Dave Clegg

You were born and bred in Suburbia

But it cramped your country heart. 

You dreamed of life on a long dirt road

And a horse in your back yard.

You set your course and bought a horse

And kept her at the stable.

Made a plan to buy some land

As soon as you were able.

But then I came along 

And you gave up the dream for good,

To live out your worst nightmare

In a chain link neighborhood.

You sold your horse and saddle

Just so we could make ends meet.

If I could only strike it rich

I’d make your life complete. 

I’d buy you a barn full of horses.

A forty-acre farm with a wood rail fence.

Hire a maid for the cooking and the chores,

Get you back in the saddle, let life commence. 

We’d have a truck and a goose-neck trailer,

Take a month or so every week or two, 

Load up the ponies and hit the trail.

Let the nightmare end and the dream come true.

A barn full of horses. 

There’s a place outside of town

You’d love to have someday. 

But honey, with the money

I don’t make, there ain’t no way.

But if I tap a gusher

Diggin’ holes in our backyard,

You can rest assured, your life

Would never be this hard.

Or if I hit the jackpot

Tuggin’ on a one-armed bandit,

You can bet you’d live the rest

Of your life the way you planned it.

‘Cause, I’d buy you a barn full of horses.

A forty-acre farm with a white rail fence.

Hire a maid for the cooking and the chores,

Get you back in the saddle, let life commence. 

We’d have a truck and a goose-neck trailer,

Take a month or so every week or two, 

Load up the ponies and hit the trail.

Let the nightmare end and the dream come true.

A barn full of horses

A barn full of horses

For you.