Special Report

©1996

Each night before I lay me down,

I hit the tube, turn up the sound

To see what new catastrophe

Tomorrow has in store for me.

You may say you’re doing well,

But I say you can never tell.

Beware, because what you don’t know

Can lay you down six feet below.

And I know it’s true

Every time I view...

Special Assignment Undercover Investigative Report

There’s no bottom to the depths 

To which those journalistic geniuses resort. 

You may be about to face 

Your final judgement at the gates of Heaven.

‘Cause you won’t live to see tomorrow,

If you don’t tune in tonight.

To that Special Report at Eleven. 

They warn you of impending doom

Like radon gas in every room,

But stay inside ‘cause, don’t you know?

Those killer bees are on the go.

The stuff you’re spraying on your grass

Is killing you with poison gas, 

Your drinking water’s full of lead,

Just one sip and you’ll be dead. 

When you’re driving down the road,

Will your pickup truck explode?

Watch how you accelerate.

The slightest bump could detonate. 

If you’re not prepared to die,

Don’t you eat that apple pie.

Buttered popcorn clogs your heart,

You’ll do without if you are smart.

Lock the doors and hide your babies!

Mosquito bites can give you rabies!

Beneath your feet disaster looms,

Your carpet gives off toxic fumes!

Everyday there’s new diseases!

Death is blowin’ in the breezes!

Acid rain will eat your skin!

EVERYTHING can do you in!

Back to you, Monica.